Some Guidelines for Learning to Deal with Anger
July 30th 2007 01:17
Once you’ve become aware of the signs and symptoms of suppressed anger, what can you do to better deal with these feelings? The following guidelines may be helpful:
1. Be willing to let go of the standard of always having to be nice or pleasing in all situations. Expand your self-concept so that you can allow yourself to express irritation or anger in situations where to do so might be appropriate. Examples would include occasions where someone keeps responding to you with snide remarks or subtle putdowns—or a situation where someone breaks an important agreement they made with you. Remember that expressing your anger does not mean dumping it on someone else, but rather sharing with someone (preferably not the person you feel angry at) that you’re feeling angry. You need to do this with feeling, rather than merely talking in a detached manner about your anger. Expressing your anger might alternatively mean to write out or physically “exercise out” your angry feelings. When you’re ready to tell someone you’re angry with them or their behavior, there are specific skills you can learn to communicate your feelings without hurting or belittling the other person.
2. Work on overcoming what-ifs about what might happen if you let your anger out. Usually these what-ifs are exaggerated and unreasonable, for example, “What if I go berserk or crazy?” or “What if I do something terrible?” Remember that anger withheld for a long time may seem ominous at first. Its intensity may startle you during the first few moments you give it vent, but it is not going to cause you to “fall apart,” “go crazy,” or “do something destructive.” The intensity of your angry feelings will diminish quickly as soon as you allow yourself to experience them. This is especially so if you express your anger in a benign way. If your anger is intense, try discharging it onto inanimate objects or on paper in the ways previously described, instead of “dumping” it onto someone you’d like to blame for your feelings.
3. Work on overcoming fears about alienating people you care about when you allow your anger to show. Being able to appropriately communicate angry feelings to significant others is, in fact, an indication that you do care about them. If you didn’t care, you would be more likely to withdraw from them and withhold your true feelings. While overexpression of anger can be destructive to others or yourself, not ever communicating angry feelings to someone you love may convey either indifference or a kind of phony, “holier-than-thou” equanimity.
4. Learn to communicate angry feelings assertively rather than aggressively. It is quite possible to convey your anger or frustration toward other people in a way that respects their dignity—in a way that doesn’t blame or put them down. One way is to begin what you say with I rather than you—in other words, “I feel angry when you break your agreements,” instead of “You make me so mad when you break your agreements.” I-statements maintain respect for the other person; you-statements put people on the defensive and assign them the blame for your feelings.
5. Believe it or not, other people don’t make you angry. You react angrily to your own interpretation of the significance of another person’s behavior. Something they say or do goes against your standards of what is acceptable or just, and so you feel angry. You can learn to convey your angry feelings without hurting, judging, or blaming others by using the communication skills discussed in the next section.
5. Learn to discriminate different modes of expressing anger, depending on the intensity of your feelings. If your anger is very intense, you’re probably not ready to talk to someone yet. Instead, you need a direct and physical mode of expression such as engaging in a vigorous physical workout. After your anger has lessened as a result of direct physical expression—or if it was moderate in the first place—talk it out with someone.
1. Be willing to let go of the standard of always having to be nice or pleasing in all situations. Expand your self-concept so that you can allow yourself to express irritation or anger in situations where to do so might be appropriate. Examples would include occasions where someone keeps responding to you with snide remarks or subtle putdowns—or a situation where someone breaks an important agreement they made with you. Remember that expressing your anger does not mean dumping it on someone else, but rather sharing with someone (preferably not the person you feel angry at) that you’re feeling angry. You need to do this with feeling, rather than merely talking in a detached manner about your anger. Expressing your anger might alternatively mean to write out or physically “exercise out” your angry feelings. When you’re ready to tell someone you’re angry with them or their behavior, there are specific skills you can learn to communicate your feelings without hurting or belittling the other person.
2. Work on overcoming what-ifs about what might happen if you let your anger out. Usually these what-ifs are exaggerated and unreasonable, for example, “What if I go berserk or crazy?” or “What if I do something terrible?” Remember that anger withheld for a long time may seem ominous at first. Its intensity may startle you during the first few moments you give it vent, but it is not going to cause you to “fall apart,” “go crazy,” or “do something destructive.” The intensity of your angry feelings will diminish quickly as soon as you allow yourself to experience them. This is especially so if you express your anger in a benign way. If your anger is intense, try discharging it onto inanimate objects or on paper in the ways previously described, instead of “dumping” it onto someone you’d like to blame for your feelings.
3. Work on overcoming fears about alienating people you care about when you allow your anger to show. Being able to appropriately communicate angry feelings to significant others is, in fact, an indication that you do care about them. If you didn’t care, you would be more likely to withdraw from them and withhold your true feelings. While overexpression of anger can be destructive to others or yourself, not ever communicating angry feelings to someone you love may convey either indifference or a kind of phony, “holier-than-thou” equanimity.
4. Learn to communicate angry feelings assertively rather than aggressively. It is quite possible to convey your anger or frustration toward other people in a way that respects their dignity—in a way that doesn’t blame or put them down. One way is to begin what you say with I rather than you—in other words, “I feel angry when you break your agreements,” instead of “You make me so mad when you break your agreements.” I-statements maintain respect for the other person; you-statements put people on the defensive and assign them the blame for your feelings.
5. Believe it or not, other people don’t make you angry. You react angrily to your own interpretation of the significance of another person’s behavior. Something they say or do goes against your standards of what is acceptable or just, and so you feel angry. You can learn to convey your angry feelings without hurting, judging, or blaming others by using the communication skills discussed in the next section.
5. Learn to discriminate different modes of expressing anger, depending on the intensity of your feelings. If your anger is very intense, you’re probably not ready to talk to someone yet. Instead, you need a direct and physical mode of expression such as engaging in a vigorous physical workout. After your anger has lessened as a result of direct physical expression—or if it was moderate in the first place—talk it out with someone.
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