Challenging Inhibitions
August 31st 2007 02:44
Each partner should list emotional and sexual inhibitions that subvert sexual desire. Next to each item, list whether the goal is to overcome, reduce, or accept the inhibition. Your partner provides insights, perceptions, and feelings, but does not talk you out of or into anything. It is your inhibition and your responsibility. Discuss with your partner how he or she can be helpful. For example, perhaps a woman’s inhibition involves not enjoying sexual touching while semiclothed. The goal is to lower the inhibition so that she can receive and give stimulation freely. Yet the man tries to talk her into mutual stimulation, rather than being supportive of her goals. Her focus should be to develop comfort with receiving kissing and hugging semiclothed, not to feel pushed to do more.
Once you have established mutually acceptable goals, begin the change process. Clearly spell out steps to take and how your spouse can be supportive. A crucial guideline is to move at the change pace that is comfortable for the person with the inhibition. Equally important, the spouse can veto or stop uncomfortable stimulation, but not stop or avoid touching (this reinforces anxiety). If you feel anxious, keep contact and switch to touching that is comfortable. You can use a “trust position” – example include putting your head on the partner’s heart, his lying in your arms, or sitting facing each other while keeping eye contact and placing your hand on his heart.
Do not try to change more than two inhibitions at a time. The trap is being overly ambitious. For instance, if each spouse targets two emotional and two sexual inhibitions, both partners lose focus and become discouraged. A common pattern is making significant progress and then regressing. It is crucial to maintain gains and prevent relapse. It is better to maintain changes in two inhibitions, rather than to experience mixed progress and frustration in six areas.
Be clear and specific about change steps, communicating as an intimate team. One advantage of working with a therapist, as opposed to doing this on your own, is that therapist helps you process what you learn, deal with frustrations, design and alter exercises, and maintain focus and motivation. The process of changing inhibitions often involves “two steps forward and one step back.” It is seldom quick or easy. If change is easy for you, it is a cause for celebration.
The more specific the inhibition, the easier it is to change. Interestingly, sexual inhibitions tend to be easier than emotional inhibitions are. It is simpler to break the cycle of avoidance than to build a comfortable, pleasurable sexual style. Talk about and acknowledge improvements and plan next steps. Talk at least once a month and preferably weekly. If the inhibition has not been resolved within 6 months, we strongly urge seeking professional help.
Once you have established mutually acceptable goals, begin the change process. Clearly spell out steps to take and how your spouse can be supportive. A crucial guideline is to move at the change pace that is comfortable for the person with the inhibition. Equally important, the spouse can veto or stop uncomfortable stimulation, but not stop or avoid touching (this reinforces anxiety). If you feel anxious, keep contact and switch to touching that is comfortable. You can use a “trust position” – example include putting your head on the partner’s heart, his lying in your arms, or sitting facing each other while keeping eye contact and placing your hand on his heart.
Do not try to change more than two inhibitions at a time. The trap is being overly ambitious. For instance, if each spouse targets two emotional and two sexual inhibitions, both partners lose focus and become discouraged. A common pattern is making significant progress and then regressing. It is crucial to maintain gains and prevent relapse. It is better to maintain changes in two inhibitions, rather than to experience mixed progress and frustration in six areas.
Be clear and specific about change steps, communicating as an intimate team. One advantage of working with a therapist, as opposed to doing this on your own, is that therapist helps you process what you learn, deal with frustrations, design and alter exercises, and maintain focus and motivation. The process of changing inhibitions often involves “two steps forward and one step back.” It is seldom quick or easy. If change is easy for you, it is a cause for celebration.
The more specific the inhibition, the easier it is to change. Interestingly, sexual inhibitions tend to be easier than emotional inhibitions are. It is simpler to break the cycle of avoidance than to build a comfortable, pleasurable sexual style. Talk about and acknowledge improvements and plan next steps. Talk at least once a month and preferably weekly. If the inhibition has not been resolved within 6 months, we strongly urge seeking professional help.
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