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Hipnotherapy - The Couch Can Be Your Friend....

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Hipnotherapy - October 2007

Tuesday Ten Pack: More Questions For Socializing

October 30th 2007 04:36

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?

2. If you could slap the crap out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?

3. What’s the dumbest decision you’ve made in the past 5 years?

4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.

5. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?

6. What’s your biggest insecurity?

7.What’s the first blog you read every day, or however often you read them?

8. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?

9. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?

10. What makes you smile?

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Misery Makers and Turnaround Mentality

October 27th 2007 04:41

Misery Maker #1: Do you believe others cause your feelings? Do others “make” you feel guilty about things?

Turnaround Mentality: You create your own feelings and make your own decisions. People and events do not cause feelings, but they can trigger your mental habits. You may wish to empower yourself with more information about relationships and communication skills.

Misery Maker #2: Are you so conscientious in your self-improvement efforts that you never miss a chance to remind yourself what you should or should not do? “I should have studied more.” “I shouldn’t have eaten so much.”

Turnaround Mentality: “Shoulds” don’t get the job done. They’re just a way of punishing yourself after the fact. Guilt and shame don’t produce much action; mostly, they drain your energy and discourage you. More information about realistically achieving peak performance may help you.

Misery Maker #3: Are you a relentless critic, always finding fault with the way you look and feel or the way others act toward you. Do you nag yourself and others, especially those you care about?

Turnaround Mentality: Replace criticism with encouragement. Encourage yourself and your friends rather than criticizing them. Give a compliment or a pat on the back. Visualize the positive and achieve what you want. Read more about improving self-esteem.

Misery Maker #4: Do you believe that you must do everything perfectly or not at all? Do you sacrifice fun in your life to achieve every goal?

Turnaround Mentality: Perfection is a high goal to aim for; don’t insist on starting there or even arriving there. Do your best and then accept it. You can enhance your life performance and have fun, too. Seek out help to deal with your perfectionist tendencies.

Misery Maker #5: Do you assume you are to blame whenever someone is upset? DOP you often ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?” If your roommate or significant other is in a bad mood, do you feel responsible for it?

Turnaround Mentality: The person who is upset “owns” the problem. Stop apologizing and accepting blame. Everyone has the right to have angry feelings, but you don’t have to feel guilty. Recognize that impersonal conflicts can be healthy, leading to constructive change and deeper understanding. Strive for emotional wellness with you and your relationships.

Misery Maker #6: Do you “steal responsibility” for others? Do you feel responsible for the happiness of another person? Do you take on other people’s responsibilities, then get angry when they don’t appreciate all you’ve done for them?

Turnaround Mentality: Stealing responsibility for others only cheats them out of a growing experience. Learning to deal with the consequences of one’s behavior is part of being an adult. Seek greater self-responsibility and self-determination. Make some lists to clarify your own needs and wants. Remember, the world has many shoulders to carry it.

Excerpts from the work of David Burns, MD

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Honesty in Relationships

October 24th 2007 04:34

In August, I read one of Brenton's posts entitled People Like You Better When You Lie and it really resonated with me on many levels. Too often, especially in intimate relationships we are not honest.

Mad About You fans remember well when Paul told Jamie he mailed the wedding thank-you notes, even though they were still in his gym bag. The thank-you notes became a constant point of contention, not because Paul forgot to mail them but because he told Jamie he did when he didn't -- he lied.

Though tall tales can spell big trouble, little white lies ("Do I look fat in this?" "Of course not.") are commonplace but “buyer beware” the little white lie can block all discussion that can be helpful to a person. It prevents you from the opportunity to help because it closes off dialogue. You can tell the truth and still be kind. The trick is honing the skill of saying things in a way that the receiver can "hear" the information. Simply put...the way we communicate is remembered a lot longer then what we communicate.

Example: ‘I think you look better in a lighter shade, but the important thing is how YOU feel about it.’”

By giving a truthful answer, you’re opening up the subject for discussion and providing an opportunity to help. The easy, quick fib can become a bad habit. I would suggest the lie is bad because it doesn’t challenge you as a person to learn how to deal with ambiguous situations in a way that lets you say something that’s both truthful and not harmful.

Communications experts and psychologists agree that white lies are acceptable in some scenarios. If your boss asks how you liked her presentation, you'd better say you were captivated, even if it was less exciting than The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. But loved ones deserve a higher level of respect and honesty.

It is especially important for couples to avoid the Little White lies. Part of the gift of intimacy is that you can trust what the other person is saying. It doesn’t mean you have to tell it all— to let it all hang out. But normally it’s very important for there to be an absence of deception— for trust to exist in a successful intimate relationship. To be authentic and trustworthy we must not send our "representative" into a intimate relationship. We cannot be who we aren't. I believe many relationships fail because we become "actors' playing the part of who we think the other person wants us to be. This never works in the long term.


So What is the Big Deal?
Seemingly harmless lies can build up and eventually cause big problems. First you tell little lies, then you have to tell other lies to hide the first lies, which causes stress, and then you have real obstacles, because it prevents you from being relaxed and being yourself. Chronic reliance on the Little White Lie may have less to do with not wanting to hurt others. It may mean that we have a deeper fear of confrontation or disapproval. Feigning praise instead of authentic appraisal (when asked, that is) limits our own growth as compassionate communicators and certainly shows little confidence in our loved ones’ abilities to hear a truthful response.

You don’t want to get into the habit of doing it when it’s not necessary. If you find yourself doing it constantly, you need to question what impact it has on the credibility of your word and what it represent in terms of your character.


What do we do with the Big Whoppers?
If a fib -- or a big whopper -- does make its way into your relationship, don't panic. While trust is very hard to rebuild once it's lost, it's not impossible. The first step toward forgiveness is to understand why the lie was told. People lie for two reasons: to protect themselves or to protect others. If your mate lied instead of telling you what his mother really thinks about you, go easy on him. But if a mate lies to cover up an affair, you probably won't be as understanding.


Honesty may sound like a good policy, but is it possible to have a 100% honest relationship? These relationships do exist. Honest relationships are not easy. Sometimes the truth hurts, and it can create momentary stress. But in the long run, we couldn't have the intimacy we have without that honesty and trust. Honesty needn't be brutal. You don't have to be cruel when you tell the truth.

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Rules of Considerate Conduct: MINDING YOUR BODY BEYOND GOOD GROOMING

October 20th 2007 00:20

You can thank my Grandmother Marie for this one!

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Respect Others' Opinions

October 19th 2007 00:14

Respecting others’ opinions is part of a larger attitude of respect – respect for the whole person – that we are expected to develop as we grow up. Respect for opinions is not an easy art at all. It requires self-esteem, self-control, sensitivity, tolerance, fairness, and generosity. And it applies both to stated opinions and the opinions that are left unspoken. There are at least two ways of showing disrespect for others on account of what they think. One is by telling them that their opinions are crazy, stupid, worthless, and the like. The other is by assuming that what we think must be what they think also. Respecting others’ opinions doesn’t mean being untrue to our own. It simply requires us to recognize that others are entitled to look at the world differently and that when they share their views with us they can expect a fair hearing.

*Save the core of someone else’s opinion even as you qualify your acceptance: “Yes, I agree that what you say may be true in general, but there are circumstances when

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Respecting The Word No

October 18th 2007 03:07

Respecting “No” is of the essence in the relationship arena. Be realistic in your expectations. There is the possibility that the person who has caught your eye won’t be interested in you. Be ready to accept that. The two of you may get closer and even intimate, or you may not. What is certain is that you want to be remembered as someone who never faltered in respecting the other person’s right to decide for him- or herself. Learn to recognize a “No” when it’s not stated in the most explicit of ways. If the stranger sitting beside you on the plane is paying more attention to his or her laptop computer screen than to your attempts at starting a conversation, that’s a “No” and you must respect it

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Rules of Considerate Conduct: Praise

October 17th 2007 02:43

Here are a few good reasons to engage in the generous form of attention that is praise.

*By sharing with others how we feel about them, we let them know something about ourselves and strengthen the bonds between us in the process

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The Rules of Considerate Conduct: Speaking Kindly

October 12th 2007 03:15

Speaking with consideration and kindness is at the heart of civil behavior. To speak kindly you need to be aware constantly that you are speaking to living, breathing, vulnerable human beings. Don’t discount the power of your words. Speak at an unhurried pace so that you are easily understood, try to make your point as clearly as possible, and avoid going off on a tangent. Stop when you have made your point so that others can speak in turn. Being articulate, however, is not tantamount to being glib, pretentious, or overbearing. Speaking kindly should never turn into a narcissistic performance. Keep the volume of your voice moderate at all times, no matter where you are, no matter with whom you are speaking. A loud voice can easily annoy; it can also sound intimidating and even threatening. Civil conversation has no place for profanities. Many find it unsettling to be exposed to them. Certain profanities do offend – and sometimes painfully so – religious sensibilities. Never embarrass or mortify. Respect for others requires that you don’t make them the targets of sarcastic remarks, you don’t belittle them or their accomplishments, and you don’t’ laugh at them. Always think before speaking. That your words are kind rather than unkind and that they will be perceived as such should be one of your paramount concerns.

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Rules of Considerate Conduct: Inclusiveness

October 11th 2007 02:40

One of our strongest yearnings is to be accepted by others. We love being welcomed by individuals, and we delight in the feeling of belonging to a group. Part of our identity is shaped by and within groups; within our groups we find shelter, meaning, and direction. Thus attitudes and words that exclude rather than include are rarely funny. In most cases they hurt. Shouldn’t we be allowed to draw boundaries as we go through our everyday lives? Of course we should. We owe it to both ourselves and others to become good at defining and protecting our own spaces. But we should be careful never to engage in self-serving, unfair, and mean-spirited strategies of exclusion. Being inclusive means applying the principle of respect for persons to all persons. When it comes time to show respect and consideration to others, we do not pick and choose.

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Rules of Considerate Conduct: Part 1

October 7th 2007 23:13

1. Pay Attention. Without attention, no meaningful interaction is possible. Our first responsibility, when we are with others, is to pay attention, to attend to. Etymology tells us that attention has to do with “turning toward,” “extending toward,” “stretching.” Thus attention is a tension connecting us to the world around us. Only after we notice the world can we begin to care for it. Every act of kindness is, first of all, an act of attention. When we pay attention, when we are alert to the world, we improve substantially the quality of our responses and therefore the quality of our lives and of the lives of those who touch ours. We want to inhabit every situation with ease but at the same time maintain a little bit of the stranger’s ability to be “impressed” by reality. We want to allow reality to leave its mark upon our consciousness.

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More Conversation Starters for the Tongue Tied

October 2nd 2007 05:14

I was reading Ms. Syl's blog link
and she posed the following questions to her readers. I thought they were great for use during any lame-ass cocktail party or get together that you find yourself attending against your will.

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