The Gratitude Project Day 14: Acceptance
July 25th 2008 19:21
The women in my family were first-wave feminists who questioned the rigidity of sex roles, fighting for equal opportunity while focusing on a woman's ability to compete in a man's world. Although they rejected Beauvoir’s “womanly nihilism”, they would highlight the qualities which rendered them classically masculine: independent, assertive, strong, and capable, while claiming their femininity. These women would discuss feminine ethos, the controversy surrounding the concept of the Vagina dentate, debate the validity of Jung’s feminine archetypes, and contemplate the Taoist image of the indissoluble relationship and complementarities of Yin and Yang. These women also taught me traditional “female arts” of cooking, sewing, keeping a clean house, nurturance of children and partner, and how to problem solve at a moment’s notice. I recognized early on that these were contradicting messages… the “traditional” versus the “enlightened” women.
The female relatives were acutely aware of the positive and negative aspects of being a woman. They believed that to be insufficiently feminine is viewed by society as a failure in core sexual identity, or as a failure to care sufficiently about oneself, for a woman found wanting will be appraised (and will appraise herself) as mannish or neutered or simply unattractive, as society has defined these terms. We are talking, admittedly, about an exquisite esthetic.
Enormous pleasure can be extracted from feminine pursuits as a creative outlet. But the chief attraction (and the central paradox, as well) is the competitive edge that femininity seems to promise in the unending struggle to survive, and perhaps to triumph. The world smiles favorably on the feminine woman: it extends little courtesies and minor privilege. Yet the nature of this competitive edge is ironic, at best, for one works at femininity by accepting restrictions, by limiting one's sights, by choosing an indirect route, by scattering concentration and not giving one's all as a man would to his own, certifiably masculine, interests. It does not require a great leap of imagination for a woman to understand the feminine principle as a grand collection of compromises, large and small, that she simply must make in order to render herself a successful woman. If she has difficulty in satisfying femininity's demands, if its illusions go against her grain, or if she is criticized for her shortcomings and imperfections, the more she will see femininity as a desperate strategy of appeasement, a strategy she may not have the wish or the courage to abandon.
It is fashionable in my family’s quarters to describe the feminine and masculine principles as polar ends of the human continuum, and to sagely profess that both polarities exist in all people. Femininity and masculinity, in all their contrivances, are very active endeavors. The masculine principle is better understood to inspire straightforward, confident success, while the feminine principle is composed of vulnerability, the need for protection, the formalities of compliance and the avoidance of conflict or an appeal of dependence. Masculinity on the other hand is known to please by displays of mastery and competence while femininity pleases by suggesting that these concerns, except in small matters, are beyond its intent. Whimsy, unpredictability and patterns of thinking and behavior that are dominated by emotion, such as tearful expressions of sentiment and fear, are thought to be feminine precisely because they lie outside the established route to success.
This perspective was taught through word, deed, and interaction. I spent most of my youth and early adulthood experiencing a disconnect from other females my age. The women in my life did not represent typical women of their time and under their tutelage, I did not fit the world view of the 1970s and 1980s woman. The women outside of my per view were passive, demure, submissive, outwardly focused, and manipulative. I experienced difficulty navigating the minefield of female adolescent socialization. I simply did not share their perspective. I was taught to speak up for myself. They were taught to have someone else speak for them or manipulate others to do their dirty work for them. I was expected to be a good steward of my intellect by taking Math and Science for every semester in high school (yes even as electives) and graduating not only with honors but in the top ten of my class. My girlfriends were loading up on coursework geared to the “fairer sex”…...home economics, typing, and parenting classes.
I was expected to think for myself. My friends’ parents were thinking for them. While many of my female peers were getting married right out of high school, I was expected to attend college and graduate school. I realized early on that “living inside as well as outside” of my family values could sometimes be brutal. I was expected to comply with the socially acceptable vision of “teen girl” for the comfort of other teen girls or adults while feeling shallow being all smiles and deference.
My competing values of girliness versus masculinity kept me pressed forward in hopes of acceptance. That being said, it was ironically, guys who embraced “the anti-girl” I was at the time.” These guys continually let me be me and accepted me for who I was and were an important part of my life. These guys took me under their wing. I watched and listened and learned so much about “girl” through the eyes of teen guys and in turn I learned a lot about “guy”. I became a “guy’s girl” and was accepted as the fiery, straightforward, independent, complex person I was. Unfortunately, these relationships did not earn any brownie points with my female peers.
Through high school and college, I was the anti-Christ for other girls who wanted to hang out with “the guys”, but couldn’t because they were feeling judged by me because I was best friends with the entire group. I could infiltrate the common grade school gender line---men on one side of the room, women on the other. I never dated anyone in the group because “I was like their little sister” and they were all “protective of me” and were highly critical of guys who dared to date me. I honor these relationships so much and carry some of them forward with me to this day. We work really hard to keep each other in our lives and not to take each other for granted. We have reconstructed our relationships over the years and have loving friendships to include our partners but still maintain our individual relationships. I am not sure what I would have done without them (then and now).
The female relatives were acutely aware of the positive and negative aspects of being a woman. They believed that to be insufficiently feminine is viewed by society as a failure in core sexual identity, or as a failure to care sufficiently about oneself, for a woman found wanting will be appraised (and will appraise herself) as mannish or neutered or simply unattractive, as society has defined these terms. We are talking, admittedly, about an exquisite esthetic.
Enormous pleasure can be extracted from feminine pursuits as a creative outlet. But the chief attraction (and the central paradox, as well) is the competitive edge that femininity seems to promise in the unending struggle to survive, and perhaps to triumph. The world smiles favorably on the feminine woman: it extends little courtesies and minor privilege. Yet the nature of this competitive edge is ironic, at best, for one works at femininity by accepting restrictions, by limiting one's sights, by choosing an indirect route, by scattering concentration and not giving one's all as a man would to his own, certifiably masculine, interests. It does not require a great leap of imagination for a woman to understand the feminine principle as a grand collection of compromises, large and small, that she simply must make in order to render herself a successful woman. If she has difficulty in satisfying femininity's demands, if its illusions go against her grain, or if she is criticized for her shortcomings and imperfections, the more she will see femininity as a desperate strategy of appeasement, a strategy she may not have the wish or the courage to abandon.
It is fashionable in my family’s quarters to describe the feminine and masculine principles as polar ends of the human continuum, and to sagely profess that both polarities exist in all people. Femininity and masculinity, in all their contrivances, are very active endeavors. The masculine principle is better understood to inspire straightforward, confident success, while the feminine principle is composed of vulnerability, the need for protection, the formalities of compliance and the avoidance of conflict or an appeal of dependence. Masculinity on the other hand is known to please by displays of mastery and competence while femininity pleases by suggesting that these concerns, except in small matters, are beyond its intent. Whimsy, unpredictability and patterns of thinking and behavior that are dominated by emotion, such as tearful expressions of sentiment and fear, are thought to be feminine precisely because they lie outside the established route to success.
This perspective was taught through word, deed, and interaction. I spent most of my youth and early adulthood experiencing a disconnect from other females my age. The women in my life did not represent typical women of their time and under their tutelage, I did not fit the world view of the 1970s and 1980s woman. The women outside of my per view were passive, demure, submissive, outwardly focused, and manipulative. I experienced difficulty navigating the minefield of female adolescent socialization. I simply did not share their perspective. I was taught to speak up for myself. They were taught to have someone else speak for them or manipulate others to do their dirty work for them. I was expected to be a good steward of my intellect by taking Math and Science for every semester in high school (yes even as electives) and graduating not only with honors but in the top ten of my class. My girlfriends were loading up on coursework geared to the “fairer sex”…...home economics, typing, and parenting classes.
I was expected to think for myself. My friends’ parents were thinking for them. While many of my female peers were getting married right out of high school, I was expected to attend college and graduate school. I realized early on that “living inside as well as outside” of my family values could sometimes be brutal. I was expected to comply with the socially acceptable vision of “teen girl” for the comfort of other teen girls or adults while feeling shallow being all smiles and deference.
My competing values of girliness versus masculinity kept me pressed forward in hopes of acceptance. That being said, it was ironically, guys who embraced “the anti-girl” I was at the time.” These guys continually let me be me and accepted me for who I was and were an important part of my life. These guys took me under their wing. I watched and listened and learned so much about “girl” through the eyes of teen guys and in turn I learned a lot about “guy”. I became a “guy’s girl” and was accepted as the fiery, straightforward, independent, complex person I was. Unfortunately, these relationships did not earn any brownie points with my female peers.
Through high school and college, I was the anti-Christ for other girls who wanted to hang out with “the guys”, but couldn’t because they were feeling judged by me because I was best friends with the entire group. I could infiltrate the common grade school gender line---men on one side of the room, women on the other. I never dated anyone in the group because “I was like their little sister” and they were all “protective of me” and were highly critical of guys who dared to date me. I honor these relationships so much and carry some of them forward with me to this day. We work really hard to keep each other in our lives and not to take each other for granted. We have reconstructed our relationships over the years and have loving friendships to include our partners but still maintain our individual relationships. I am not sure what I would have done without them (then and now).
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