Guidelines for Learning to Deal with Anger
November 17th 2007 04:51
Once you’ve become aware of the signs and symptoms of suppressed anger, what can you do to better deal with these feelings? The following guidelines may be helpful:
1. Be willing to let go of the standard of always having to be nice or pleasing in all situations. Expand your self-concept so that you can allow yourself to express irritation or anger in situations where to do so might be appropriate. Examples would include occasions where someone keeps responding to you with snide remarks or subtle putdowns—or a situation where someone breaks an important agreement they made with you. Remember that expressing your anger does not mean dumping it on someone else, but rather sharing with someone (preferably not the person you feel angry at) that you’re feeling angry. You need to do this with feeling, rather than merely talking in a detached manner about your anger. Expressing your anger might alternatively mean to write out or physically “exercise out” your angry feelings. When you’re ready to tell someone you’re angry with them or their behavior, there are specific skills you can learn to communicate your feelings without hurting or belittling the other person.
2. Work on overcoming what-ifs about what might happen if you let your anger out. Usually these what-ifs are exaggerated and unreasonable, for example, “What if I go berserk or crazy?” or “What if I do something terrible?” Remember that anger withheld for a long time may seem ominous at first. Its intensity may startle you during the first few moments you give it vent, but it is not going to cause you to “fall apart,” “go crazy,” or “do something destructive.” The intensity of your angry feelings will diminish quickly as soon as you allow yourself to experience them. This is especially so if you express your anger in a benign way. If your anger is intense, try discharging it onto inanimate objects or on paper in the ways previously described, instead of “dumping” it onto someone you’d like to blame for your feelings.
3. Work on overcoming fears about alienating people you care about when you allow your anger to show. Being able to appropriately communicate angry feelings to significant others is, in fact, an indication that you do care about them. If you didn’t care, you would be more likely to withdraw from them and withhold your true feelings. While overexpression of anger can be destructive to others or yourself, not ever communicating angry feelings to someone you love may convey either indifference or a kind of phony, “holier-than-thou” equanimity.
4. Learn to communicate angry feelings assertively rather than aggressively. It is quite possible to convey your anger or frustration toward other people in a way that respects their dignity—in a way that doesn’t blame or put them down. One way is to begin what you say with I rather than you—in other words, “I feel angry when you break your agreements,” instead of “You make me so mad when you break your agreements.” I-statements maintain respect for the other person; you-statements put people on the defensive and assign them the blame for your feelings.
Believe it or not, other people don’t make you angry. You react angrily to your own interpretation of the significance of another person’s behavior. Something they say or do goes against your standards of what is acceptable or just, and so you feel angry. You can learn to convey your angry feelings without hurting, judging, or blaming others.
5. Learn to discriminate different modes of expressing anger, depending on the intensity of your feelings. If your anger is very intense, you’re probably not ready to talk to someone yet. Instead, you need a direct and physical mode of expression such as engaging in a vigorous physical workout. After your anger has lessened as a result of direct physical expression—or if it was moderate in the first place—talk it out with someone. If possible, it is best to share it with a neutral friend first before directly confronting the person with whom you’re angry.
1. Be willing to let go of the standard of always having to be nice or pleasing in all situations. Expand your self-concept so that you can allow yourself to express irritation or anger in situations where to do so might be appropriate. Examples would include occasions where someone keeps responding to you with snide remarks or subtle putdowns—or a situation where someone breaks an important agreement they made with you. Remember that expressing your anger does not mean dumping it on someone else, but rather sharing with someone (preferably not the person you feel angry at) that you’re feeling angry. You need to do this with feeling, rather than merely talking in a detached manner about your anger. Expressing your anger might alternatively mean to write out or physically “exercise out” your angry feelings. When you’re ready to tell someone you’re angry with them or their behavior, there are specific skills you can learn to communicate your feelings without hurting or belittling the other person.
2. Work on overcoming what-ifs about what might happen if you let your anger out. Usually these what-ifs are exaggerated and unreasonable, for example, “What if I go berserk or crazy?” or “What if I do something terrible?” Remember that anger withheld for a long time may seem ominous at first. Its intensity may startle you during the first few moments you give it vent, but it is not going to cause you to “fall apart,” “go crazy,” or “do something destructive.” The intensity of your angry feelings will diminish quickly as soon as you allow yourself to experience them. This is especially so if you express your anger in a benign way. If your anger is intense, try discharging it onto inanimate objects or on paper in the ways previously described, instead of “dumping” it onto someone you’d like to blame for your feelings.
3. Work on overcoming fears about alienating people you care about when you allow your anger to show. Being able to appropriately communicate angry feelings to significant others is, in fact, an indication that you do care about them. If you didn’t care, you would be more likely to withdraw from them and withhold your true feelings. While overexpression of anger can be destructive to others or yourself, not ever communicating angry feelings to someone you love may convey either indifference or a kind of phony, “holier-than-thou” equanimity.
4. Learn to communicate angry feelings assertively rather than aggressively. It is quite possible to convey your anger or frustration toward other people in a way that respects their dignity—in a way that doesn’t blame or put them down. One way is to begin what you say with I rather than you—in other words, “I feel angry when you break your agreements,” instead of “You make me so mad when you break your agreements.” I-statements maintain respect for the other person; you-statements put people on the defensive and assign them the blame for your feelings.
Believe it or not, other people don’t make you angry. You react angrily to your own interpretation of the significance of another person’s behavior. Something they say or do goes against your standards of what is acceptable or just, and so you feel angry. You can learn to convey your angry feelings without hurting, judging, or blaming others.
5. Learn to discriminate different modes of expressing anger, depending on the intensity of your feelings. If your anger is very intense, you’re probably not ready to talk to someone yet. Instead, you need a direct and physical mode of expression such as engaging in a vigorous physical workout. After your anger has lessened as a result of direct physical expression—or if it was moderate in the first place—talk it out with someone. If possible, it is best to share it with a neutral friend first before directly confronting the person with whom you’re angry.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
I wish I'd had a better handle on these things when I was married, quite the screamer I was, a bit of a basher too, I must confess. Which I sincerely regret. Mostly now I just feel sad and frustrated about such things.
Love the picture, how expressive.
katyzzz
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I let my anger loose on Sat and I’m feeling really ashamed when I think about it, so this advice is timely.
I still believe my reasons were legitimate, but I didn’t express it any helpful way...at all. I don't like being like that. I did apologise soon afterwards, but still, I shouldn't do that.
My problem is that I keep it in, I find it hard to say something that might cause anger etc ( it's not with freinds, only family, I guess some patterns have been set)... and that is no way to be heard, it doesn’t work and isn’t nice for the other person-at all. Basically I have the belief that I always have to be good/nice in situations where I feel ignored etc. I don’t say anything at the time (I know it sounds wimpy, but I get scared)...so if a continuum of this happens and I can't get the space to deal with it, eventually I explode. This is what I usually do and it works:
But because I didn’t get that opportunity (the phone kept ringing, my mother-in-law doesn’t believe in leaving a message and giving you time to call back, she just keeps calling and calling), so I exploded later on. I felt hemmed in, ignored and overwhelmed...as you can tell, it’s complicated, it involves in-laws and a husband that works very long hours. Plus, my own crappy issues (and there are a few!!).
But the responsibility is mine...I have to do this.
Thanks for the advice,
Trace
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
*puffing* I made it ...
You know, forgiving people is easy, it's the policy makers that rattle my cage and that's frustrating because most of the time you can feel so helpless....thank God for meditation and prayer ... not to mention some of these great tricks.
Deep breathing is always a good one too.
Well that and remembering that I am usually reacting to someone angrily because they are reflecting a part of myself I don't want to see
xx
Lilla ..
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Unless I am too worked up!!! So I need to get to the deep breathing before the explosion....
Tracy
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I'm rather like Tracy. It takes a lot to anger me. But boy, when I get angry you better run for cover.
I absolutely hate confrontation. But if I'm pushed too hard then I fully go into aggressive mode (which shocks people because I'm a little too accommodating which leads people to think that they can walk all over me).
I must say though, that your suggestions are great. And I must say the one time I actually confronted the person that made me angry, I got a brilliant outcome....without being a psycho bitch (although the bitch responsible for my anger deserved an ass-kicking the likes of which nobody has ever seen)....but as you can see, I've let go of it now. HAHAHAHA
But the outcome was so good that I must say that I do try to at least work through my anger these days rather than simmering until I hit boiling point.
By the way Tracy, if I was already angry about something and someone kept calling me incessently.....oh there would have been fireworks. So don't feel too bad!!!
Sage advice as always Mis
Kylie
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I had to make a difficult decision about going to a funeral in my husband's family, (I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my sister's death) and was really grappling with what wanting to do, whether to support my husband and yet I wasn’t sure I could do it. All I needed was some time and space. I went to the park for that reason, yet my mobile kept ringing which just fuelled my anger. I would leave it at home but I need it for work. So I ran with Fergs, watched him paddle in the pond, come out looking like a scraggy miniature sheepdog and that made me smile.
But the situation didn’t stop when I got home. My mother-in-law just kept ringing the home phone and mobile back and forth, six f-ing times.
I exploded the day after when my husband said something to upset me, I don't get like this often, I'm usually the opposite, a bit like what Ash described in her piece Invisible People.
My mother-in-law has few boundaries, and she often negates my feelings. She loves me, she is a kind person, she is lovely, she's not trying to be awful, but I cannot get a word in to stop the pattern. Plus, I am too timid (which irritates the crap out of me). I have to do something with that bit of myself.
My plan tonight is to switch off, cuddle Fergal and watch crappy telly.
Sorry I turned that into my life story, I'm no martyr, I have flaws, I could deal with things better but this one just built up too quickly. Usually I can forgive, I’m no angel but this was all too much all in one go.
Now I’m going to put some Beastie Boys on, sing with some force and that should help!!
Thanks for bearing with me, everyone.
Trace xxx
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Somehow these things just die away.
I have to be careful that I don't stuff my anger...sometimes when I think it is "dead" it resurrects just like Lazarus! :0)
Friend I think that any of us sincerely regret things that we have said.
Thanks for the kind words about the post and the pic!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am glad that this post was helpful. Girlfriend, this post was written after years of mistakes and reflection. Believe it or not I have a hurricane inside me and sometimes it gets me in trouble.
Friend I have noticed that often women are "trained" to be less vocal or assertive in their expression of anger. In the states it is the women are have trouble with road rage due to unresolved anger issues in their lives.
I am honored that you shared your experience with us!
Mis :0)
Glad you liked the pic!
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Howdy! Meditation is a great way to reduce anger! I have to slow down and be mindful. Thanks for the reminder. I am so glad that you stopped by!
You are so right about being "mirrors" to others. In addition, when our anger goes from zero to 100...it is usually about us :0( and our own insecurities!
See you soon friend!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
HAHAHAHAHA I will remember not to anger you unless I am wearing a pith helmet!
Confrontation is clearly an art! I think many folks go into confrontation mode when they are frustrated.
Thanks so much for you kind words and for sharing your story with us. I loved it! Congrats on being heard without going into pyscho bitch mode.
So good to see you!
Mis
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Hello Mis
Thanks again for letting me vent at your place. I’ve had some space over the last few days and my anger is less which is great. Anger can be fuelling for me at times, but this time it was zapping me.
I agree with you that women are ‘trained’ to be less assertive/vocal with anger. Growing up, my sister and I were quite polarised. She was known and accepted for being feisty and strong-willed, whereas I was the quiet, good child. When I showed anger it was a far bigger deal. So I learnt to deal with anger (and other emotions) alone and felt ashamed for having them (I’m not blaming my parents, but I’ve had to work out the dynamic as it caused problems for me later in my life).
I know what you mean about road rage and the correlation. I’ve noticed that the times that I have road rage, there is usually something wrong. I look at it as a sign that my body is telling me something, as normally I don’t care that much about traffic, people hopping in front etc (well, not too much), I just have a CD to sing to and enjoy the singing freedom
Thanks again and hope you're well,
Tracy
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am honored that you hang out in my place. I love chatting with you. Thanks again for your honesty!
Mis
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Byeee
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
oooh I saw the title of this post and couldn`t resist stopping by. How glad am I that I did!
I suffer VERY BADLY from anger management. I have the patience of an alcoholic in detox trying to eat peas off a fork.
Like Tracy and Kylie I tend to bottle it all up. Then something really small and insignificant from someone who doesn`t really deserve it will be that one tiny trigger that sets off the volcano and in true Scorpio style the sting comes out and the words rush forth and the blood pressure sky rockets.
I learnt a little while ago that you don`t actually have to confront someone about something there and then. If the situation becomes too bubbly you can actually walk away, calm down and then come back when you are a little more clear headed. Then you don`t end up saying nonsense that you later regret.
As for all your advice here? Added and welcomed!
Thanks for always sharing such gems
Ash
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
oooh I saw the title of this post and couldn`t resist stopping by. How glad am I that I did!
I suffer VERY BADLY from anger management. I have the patience of an alcoholic in detox trying to eat peas off a fork.
Like Tracy and Kylie I tend to bottle it all up. Then something really small and insignificant from someone who doesn`t really deserve it will be that one tiny trigger that sets off the volcano and in true Scorpio style the sting comes out and the words rush forth and the blood pressure sky rockets.
I learnt a little while ago that you don`t have to confront someone about something there and then. If the situation becomes too bubbly you can actually walk away, calm down and then come back when you are a little more clear headed. Walking it out helps me to deal with the thoughts and then I don`t end up saying nonsense that I later regret.
As for all your advice here? Added and welcomed!
Thanks for always sharing such gems
Ash
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
oooh I saw the title of this post and couldn`t resist stopping by. How glad am I that I did!
I suffer VERY BADLY from anger management. I have the patience of an alcoholic in detox trying to eat peas off a fork.
Like Tracy and Kylie I tend to bottle it all up. Then something really small and insignificant from someone who doesn`t really deserve it will be that one tiny trigger that sets off the volcano and in true Scorpio style the sting comes out and the words rush forth and the blood pressure sky rockets.
I learnt a little while ago that you don`t have to confront someone about something there and then. If the situation becomes too bubbly you can actually walk away, calm down and then come back when you are a little more clear headed. The effect of walking often helps to get rid of the rubbish that I would ordinarily have ended up yelling and later regretting.
As for all your advice here? Added and welcomed!
Thanks for always sharing such gems
Ash
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
oooh I saw the title of this post and couldn`t resist stopping by. How glad am I that I did!
I suffer VERY BADLY from anger management. I have the patience of an alcoholic in detox trying to eat peas off a fork.
Like Tracy and Kylie I tend to bottle it all up. Then something really small and insignificant from someone who doesn`t really deserve it will be that one tiny trigger that sets off the volcano and in true Scorpio style the sting comes out and the words rush forth and the blood pressure sky rockets.
I learnt a little while ago that you don`t have to confront someone about something there and then. If the situation becomes too bubbly you can actually walk away, calm down and then come back when you are a little more clear headed. The effect of walking often helps to get rid of the rubbish that I would ordinarily have ended up yelling and later regretting.
As for all your advice here? Added and welcomed!
Thanks for always sharing such gems
Ash
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
So glad to see you! I am glad that this post was helpful to you! Love your new tag! I hope your weekend is wonderful!
Mis
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
This is great advice:
I must remember that...!!
Tracy
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Great to see you too!
I agree wholeheartedly !
Mis
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Thought I'd just mention it and hoep you've all seen it.
Have a pleasant day and don;t let the Turkey's get you down.
Lilla ...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I have not seen the Upside of Anger. I will have to NetFlix it! Thanks for the recommendation.
Mis