The Graitude Project: Day 13: For Wings
July 24th 2008 03:42
I have always seen myself as birdlike –commonplace, but wild, unpossessed, living “beside” others, but alone. Like a bird, I could not be wholly tamed either by training or breeding. I admire birds’ ability to move freely through space, to appear suddenly out of the sky and disappear just as suddenly. Their mastery of air space makes them the most apparent link between earthbound creatures and distant wonders -- the sun, moon, stars, wind, and thunder… the powers that control them. I, like many birds am vivid, restless, and resolute but at times felt captive yearning to soar over the mundane.
For the five years prior to my 29th birthday, I had been a bird trapped inside a room, flapping my wings in panic trying to find my way back into the wild. I was trapped in a marriage on paper only and I wanted to escape from marriage’s rigid societal image. I never would have thought that I would be a college graduate with small children, saying “I have no idea where I am going or what my life should be about for the next 29 years and be joyful in the knowledge of that. I had been thrashing around in the “in between.” I was in between relationships, in between the “old” and the “new” me. It was scary and uncomfortable. Up to this point, security was always the objective, the Holy Grail.
I was raised in a secure environment. What I came to realize on my 29th birthday, that security was only an illusion. I realized that insecurity can be good. From that day forward, I believed that human beings weren’t meant to live tidy, predictable, lives with everything laid out neatly in front of us like tomorrow’s clothing with the “perfect shoes, belt, and handbag.” If we long for nothing, want for nothing, worry about nothing, where is the impetus to grow or change? I was determined that whatever little moments of insecurity life throws my way, to look on them as opportunities in the unknown.
As I began to slowly dismantle and clear away this rubble of my former life, it left me thinking about what I really wanted as opposed to what I assumed I wanted, I was faced with the task of creating my new life. The hard part was realizing that most of the more traditional models of lifestyle that seem to work for others just didn’t seem to look good on me. Things that most strive for and find meaning in--the successful career, the marriage, comfortable domesticity, the ownership of fine things...these all end up leaving me feeling cold. I wanted to make these things fit me because up until my 29th birthday, I assumed that if I didn’t apply these more common models, there would be very few people who I could connect with.
People understand when you want traditional relationships. That makes THEM comfortable, and so they tend to be comfortable with you and treat you well. When you opt for something other than that it makes people uncomfortable. If they lack awareness or the ability to relate…. Then the insidiousness of fear takes hold. And with fear, anger and cruelty or alienation can follow.
I decided on my 29th birthday to just live in my own state of being and desire. I felt that I needed something different than the standard. And yet, sheer creative invention of my perfect world from naught---from pure imagination…was a difficult thing. I needed time and space to be able to design what right looked like to me. But the things I did not want: an office job, a capital-H kind of Husband who I'm a capital-W Wife to, staying always three steps behind or ahead. I found myself yearning for the freedom from these things. I found myself wanting to END RIGHT NOW all these things to whatever extent I had them, or any inroads I laid towards them. I just wanted to walk away, into the new thing. I felt so desperate for this, I was clawing at air, trying to get out of some physical confinement and into some new space where I could breathe. But how would I be able to support for/care for myself when I gave up these common dreams? These are the dreams of security, of safety.
In addition, I was not alone in this journey. My child was looking to me for guidance. I had been raised with a sense of responsibility and duty, so again I looked to the bird motif. Just as wings and aerodynamics keeps a bird in flight, the nest keeps birds bound to the earth and their young….the nest being a place affording refuge and safety. Although I wanted to launch at will, I was aligned with the ground due to my bond of honorability and my desire to be the best mother possible. I knew that no matter what was going on emotionally with me, I needed to build the most secure home possible and in this I succeeded.
Although I had viewed myself as a broken-winged bird that could not escape during this “marriage”, I realized that I had the power to rise above “planet Me” and see myself freely. I accepted that all of my hopes were flying without any destination to some unknown freedom beyond the horizon to some unknown land. Sometimes I feel as if I have not found my place in this world yet and am wandering as a lost soul. I am a spiritual being trapped by flesh, and now seeking to spread my wings again. Bird imagery continues to capture my imagination, the most common theme espoused by Carl Jung, is the notion of birds as images of the soul. Flight therefore, is a symbol of confidence, liberation, and transcendence. Jung would also write that blackbirds represent unconscious mythology information regarding the “gathering of dark thoughts”.
To this day, I tend to fly into the dark black night of opportunity as the idea of abandon and unselfconscious flow resonates with my present state of being.
Quis dabit Mihi: Who shall give me wings and I can fly away and be at rest ...
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Comment by TimmyH
Tech News
Can you HACK it?
Genyration
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I am loving this series of yours, in how you desribe your own dilemma`s so you describe the thoughts of so many of us readers.
It`s my 29th birthday in a few months and I HEAR YOU! Although I hear you in totally the opposite way - I am not married, nor do I lead a structured life, nor do I have any children - yet I can understand what you have said completely, but in a different way.
LOL that`s just confusing isn`t it??? Not really to me, in my crazy way!
This is so true, and this is what i mean by I understand you totally but in totally the opposite way to your experience.
I guess that no matter what we have gone through society always seems to stick together in this collective complete stupidity.
I think if your 29 year old self could see you now they would be very proud of you!
Ash
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
So glad to meet your acquaintance. Thanks for visiting, reading,and commenting. Hope to see you again!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am so glad that you are enjoying this series. I made a committment to myself to really dig deep and put together 30 posts that represent the "real me." Kind of scary. It means a lot that you are reading these posts.
It`s my 29th birthday in a few months and I HEAR YOU! yet I can understand what you have said completely, but in a different way.
I am so glad that this resonants with you also!
I think if your 29 year old self could see you now they would be very proud of you!
That is quite a compliment friend. I think that my 29 year old self would be surprised and pleased!
Mis
Comment by Urban Panther
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
You go girl! I am glad that I am soaring!!!!!!!!
Mis