Break Your Relationship Rut
July 24th 2007 03:52
There are any number of patterns a relationship can fall into that leave you feeling stuck like a broken record. And it’s best to address them soon, as certain ruts can ultimately spell the end of the relationship. Here are three of the most common patterns we fall into, and how to break them before they break you.
Rut No. 1: They don’t want to talk about it. Ever.
There’s nothing more frustrating than when someone quietly stops participating in conversation. “Nothing’s wrong,” the person replies. Or: “Don’t worry about it,” in a tone that says, “You’re simply a vile human being for reasons I can’t be bothered to go into.”
Passive aggressive? You bet. And if you like to air grievances immediately and work things through, dealing with someone who needs more space in a conflict can be infuriating. “If you’re upset, just tell me!” you want to yell, or “Why are you so damned sensitive?” If, like me, you’ve tried these tacks, you know how unsuccessful they are. The more you try to force your passive friends to deal with you, the more they clam up.
What helps? Give space and permission.
Keep in mind that passive aggression often occurs when someone is trying to express feelings he thinks he isn’t supposed to show directly. Maybe he isn’t showing them because in the past they’ve been met with hostility or defensiveness. Maybe he thinks that “good people” don’t have bad feelings, or that good relationships don’t have conflict. Or maybe he just needs a little more space to work through his feelings before he’s ready to talk about them.
So try to hear the real feelings behind the gruffness or silence. When he says, “Don’t worry about it – I’m fine,” you can say, “It sounds like this was really frustrating.” Or give him permission to be angry: “Hey, I’d be mad at me if I were you!” Or negotiate when you will talk: “It’s OK if you don’t want to talk now, but it’s important to me that we do work through it when you’re ready.”
Rut No. 2: You give; they take.
Sure, healthy relationships are all about give and take. But I suspect you’ve been in situations where these roles get stuck, and you end up the long-suffering listener to your friend’s endless boss troubles or the rescuer to your brother’s financial difficulties. You listen; you nod; you resent. Rarely does your friend ask how you’re feeling or what’s happening in your life. You’re both so accustomed to her crying and your shoulder getting wet that it’s impossible to switch roles.
Roles that get stuck spell the end of the relationship sooner or later. When it’s all give and no take, the giver will eventually move on to more generous pastures. What helps? Risk sharing the responsibility. Let’s be honest: Being the ever-present giver has an emotional upside. Bailing out little bro and listening to another romantic disaster leaves you feeling generous, responsible, grateful that your life is more together, and secure in the idea that they now “owe you one.” Demanding support yourself can feel greedy or demanding. No wonder you’ve played the giver so long.
But how generous are you, really? Taking the giver role means nobody else gets the benefits, and nobody gets to know the real you – the one with needs of her own. If demanding more feels hard, start small – by changing what you give. If the taker is a ne’er-do-well younger brother who constantly relies on you to bail him out (figuratively so far, though you wouldn’t be surprised to get a call from the jailhouse), challenge yourself to help him in another way – by being supportive without opening your wallet.
Next, make the leap to asking for something for yourself. Before your friend starts her litany of complaints, let her know that you need her advice about a problem or are having a rough day or could just use someone who will listen. She may feel flattered that you’re coming to her, and then listen intently and perhaps offer up some surprisingly heartfelt feedback. You’ll have been more authentic with her and can walk away without feeling used.
Rut No. 3: You have the same fights over and over again.
Jack Benny is often been quoted as saying, “My wife and I have been married for 47 years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, never.”
I don’t know about you, but it’s no the seriousness of the argument that gets to me; it’s the tedium. The same frustrations, the same reactions, and I think to myself, I can’t believe we’re having the same argument again. Why can’t we solve this thing? What helps? Get perspective and cultivate acceptance.
The fact that you and your sister, best friend, or spouse argue doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who researches marriage and the author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, notes that more than two-thirds of marital arguments are “unresolvable,” meaning they are inherent to the couple and their individual issues. When Gottman checked in with couples four year after first observing them, many of them were still arguing about the same issue. Like my husband’s and my need to be in charge, these unresolvable idiosyncrasies are what we each bring to the relationship and what we will always have to work through. The fact that you are dealing with them is a healthy sign. Couples who don’t talk about their frustrations with each other are less likely to report satisfaction in the relationship three years after the first analysis.
Also, consider the things you don’t fight about. When I think about the fact that my husband and I mostly agree on money, religion, and how to raise our kids, then the fact that he’s bent on building those bookshelves all wrong doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I’m better off letting him have his way and reminding myself that I don’t need to be in charge of everything (of course, I do have to leave the room to control myself sometimes). Assume the other person won’t change, and see if there are things you can do to mitigate your frustration.
Relationship ruts are danger zones. If things don’t change, the relationship is likely to wither away. (To gauge your own relationships, see Are You in a Relationship Rut?) So if a relationship is important to you – not necessarily because you like the person, but perhaps because you can’t escape him or her (sibling, a boss, an in-law) – then start getting out of the rut now. It can’t get better on its own, given the pattern you’re stuck in. Change depends on your willingness to be more honest, and in some cases even more needy, and to stick with this plan even through the hard parts.
Are You in a Relationship Rut?
Are you a friend, a colleague, or a love one stuck in a rut? Here are some indicators that change may be needed.
1. When I pick up the phone and hear her voice, my heart sinks.
2. I often feel lonely in the relationship.
3. I don’t feel like she really knows me.
4. When we fight, I don’t tell him how I’m really feeling.
5. I sometimes resent her and what the relationship costs me.
6. I find myself rolling my eyes – or catch him rolling his.
Rut No. 1: They don’t want to talk about it. Ever.
There’s nothing more frustrating than when someone quietly stops participating in conversation. “Nothing’s wrong,” the person replies. Or: “Don’t worry about it,” in a tone that says, “You’re simply a vile human being for reasons I can’t be bothered to go into.”
Passive aggressive? You bet. And if you like to air grievances immediately and work things through, dealing with someone who needs more space in a conflict can be infuriating. “If you’re upset, just tell me!” you want to yell, or “Why are you so damned sensitive?” If, like me, you’ve tried these tacks, you know how unsuccessful they are. The more you try to force your passive friends to deal with you, the more they clam up.
What helps? Give space and permission.
Keep in mind that passive aggression often occurs when someone is trying to express feelings he thinks he isn’t supposed to show directly. Maybe he isn’t showing them because in the past they’ve been met with hostility or defensiveness. Maybe he thinks that “good people” don’t have bad feelings, or that good relationships don’t have conflict. Or maybe he just needs a little more space to work through his feelings before he’s ready to talk about them.
So try to hear the real feelings behind the gruffness or silence. When he says, “Don’t worry about it – I’m fine,” you can say, “It sounds like this was really frustrating.” Or give him permission to be angry: “Hey, I’d be mad at me if I were you!” Or negotiate when you will talk: “It’s OK if you don’t want to talk now, but it’s important to me that we do work through it when you’re ready.”
Rut No. 2: You give; they take.
Sure, healthy relationships are all about give and take. But I suspect you’ve been in situations where these roles get stuck, and you end up the long-suffering listener to your friend’s endless boss troubles or the rescuer to your brother’s financial difficulties. You listen; you nod; you resent. Rarely does your friend ask how you’re feeling or what’s happening in your life. You’re both so accustomed to her crying and your shoulder getting wet that it’s impossible to switch roles.
Roles that get stuck spell the end of the relationship sooner or later. When it’s all give and no take, the giver will eventually move on to more generous pastures. What helps? Risk sharing the responsibility. Let’s be honest: Being the ever-present giver has an emotional upside. Bailing out little bro and listening to another romantic disaster leaves you feeling generous, responsible, grateful that your life is more together, and secure in the idea that they now “owe you one.” Demanding support yourself can feel greedy or demanding. No wonder you’ve played the giver so long.
But how generous are you, really? Taking the giver role means nobody else gets the benefits, and nobody gets to know the real you – the one with needs of her own. If demanding more feels hard, start small – by changing what you give. If the taker is a ne’er-do-well younger brother who constantly relies on you to bail him out (figuratively so far, though you wouldn’t be surprised to get a call from the jailhouse), challenge yourself to help him in another way – by being supportive without opening your wallet.
Next, make the leap to asking for something for yourself. Before your friend starts her litany of complaints, let her know that you need her advice about a problem or are having a rough day or could just use someone who will listen. She may feel flattered that you’re coming to her, and then listen intently and perhaps offer up some surprisingly heartfelt feedback. You’ll have been more authentic with her and can walk away without feeling used.
Rut No. 3: You have the same fights over and over again.
Jack Benny is often been quoted as saying, “My wife and I have been married for 47 years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, never.”
I don’t know about you, but it’s no the seriousness of the argument that gets to me; it’s the tedium. The same frustrations, the same reactions, and I think to myself, I can’t believe we’re having the same argument again. Why can’t we solve this thing? What helps? Get perspective and cultivate acceptance.
The fact that you and your sister, best friend, or spouse argue doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who researches marriage and the author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, notes that more than two-thirds of marital arguments are “unresolvable,” meaning they are inherent to the couple and their individual issues. When Gottman checked in with couples four year after first observing them, many of them were still arguing about the same issue. Like my husband’s and my need to be in charge, these unresolvable idiosyncrasies are what we each bring to the relationship and what we will always have to work through. The fact that you are dealing with them is a healthy sign. Couples who don’t talk about their frustrations with each other are less likely to report satisfaction in the relationship three years after the first analysis.
Also, consider the things you don’t fight about. When I think about the fact that my husband and I mostly agree on money, religion, and how to raise our kids, then the fact that he’s bent on building those bookshelves all wrong doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I’m better off letting him have his way and reminding myself that I don’t need to be in charge of everything (of course, I do have to leave the room to control myself sometimes). Assume the other person won’t change, and see if there are things you can do to mitigate your frustration.
Relationship ruts are danger zones. If things don’t change, the relationship is likely to wither away. (To gauge your own relationships, see Are You in a Relationship Rut?) So if a relationship is important to you – not necessarily because you like the person, but perhaps because you can’t escape him or her (sibling, a boss, an in-law) – then start getting out of the rut now. It can’t get better on its own, given the pattern you’re stuck in. Change depends on your willingness to be more honest, and in some cases even more needy, and to stick with this plan even through the hard parts.
Are You in a Relationship Rut?
Are you a friend, a colleague, or a love one stuck in a rut? Here are some indicators that change may be needed.
1. When I pick up the phone and hear her voice, my heart sinks.
2. I often feel lonely in the relationship.
3. I don’t feel like she really knows me.
4. When we fight, I don’t tell him how I’m really feeling.
5. I sometimes resent her and what the relationship costs me.
6. I find myself rolling my eyes – or catch him rolling his.
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Comment by katyzzz
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MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
HAHAHAHA! Good to see you!
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
You raise some really good points in this post. I particularly like the comments around being 'the giver' all the time. It's easy to think of the 'giver' as being the more selfless person.....when in fact it's often more difficult to ask for support. A different way of looking at things.
Kylie
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I agree with you wholeheartedy! Glad that you stopped by!
Mis