Telling Your Children About Your Divorce or Separation
July 20th 2007 21:26
The decision to divorce or separate is a serious decision and should be considered with the upmost care. Here are some guidelines for telling your children you have made the decision to separate or divorce:
1. Tell them shortly before they will see the change (typically a few days before one of the spouses moves out).
2. Try to have the whole family present (both spouses and all children).
3. Within the bounds of propriety, be honest. If at all possible, and if you can do it without assessing blame, tell them what you can about why you are divorcing. One of the most frequent complaints of children of divorce, even long after the divorce, is that they never heard any reason why their parents divorced. LESS IS MORE!
4. Tell them as much as you know about when one of you plans to move out, and when they will next see the parent who is leaving.
5. Tell them as much as you know about how their lives will change (where they will live, where they will go to school, where the dog will be, etc.)
6. Reassure them that they did not cause the divorce.
7. Encourage them to ask questions, and assure them that they can ask questions later as well.
Your children want to know . . .
Here are some questions children often ask or think about when their parents divorce:
1. Will I be left alone?
2. Where will I live?
3. When will I see Dad or Mom again?
4. What happens if I get sick?
5. Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
6. Will we be poor? How will our lifestyle change?
7. Now that Dad or Mom is leaving, where is he or she going and what will we do?
8. My friend _____ had to move to an apartment and share a room with a brother or sister when her parents divorced. Will we do that too?
9. What did I do to cause this? Maybe it was (some recent transgression). Or maybe it was (something else they've done wrong recently). I'll make sure I never, never do that again, and then we'll all be together again.
10. What about our routines?
11. What will happen with our relationships with our grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc….
12. Was or is the another woman or man?
1. Tell them shortly before they will see the change (typically a few days before one of the spouses moves out).
2. Try to have the whole family present (both spouses and all children).
3. Within the bounds of propriety, be honest. If at all possible, and if you can do it without assessing blame, tell them what you can about why you are divorcing. One of the most frequent complaints of children of divorce, even long after the divorce, is that they never heard any reason why their parents divorced. LESS IS MORE!
4. Tell them as much as you know about when one of you plans to move out, and when they will next see the parent who is leaving.
5. Tell them as much as you know about how their lives will change (where they will live, where they will go to school, where the dog will be, etc.)
6. Reassure them that they did not cause the divorce.
7. Encourage them to ask questions, and assure them that they can ask questions later as well.
Your children want to know . . .
Here are some questions children often ask or think about when their parents divorce:
1. Will I be left alone?
3. When will I see Dad or Mom again?
4. What happens if I get sick?
5. Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
6. Will we be poor? How will our lifestyle change?
7. Now that Dad or Mom is leaving, where is he or she going and what will we do?
8. My friend _____ had to move to an apartment and share a room with a brother or sister when her parents divorced. Will we do that too?
9. What did I do to cause this? Maybe it was (some recent transgression). Or maybe it was (something else they've done wrong recently). I'll make sure I never, never do that again, and then we'll all be together again.
10. What about our routines?
11. What will happen with our relationships with our grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc….
12. Was or is the another woman or man?
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Comment by David
Great post.
And great image.
David ...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks so much. Good to see you here!
mis
Comment by David
When I saw that image, it immediately gave me an idea re the 'Nothing Land' screenplay.
You've touched on so many issues pertaining to that screenplay, but I won't be altering it it much. I'm just thinking visually out aloud atm, and thinking of altering one particular scene.
There's a separate screenplay in this post. Screenplays are really just about dramatising a solid idea. This one pertains to the impact of divorce on the child, whereas Nothing Land deals more with the impact of parents who don't divorce when they should on a child.
Just chewing over a few thoughts.
David ...
PS: How come these comments don't need verification, whereas the ones on Ramble On do?
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
i was on camp when my dad rang me to tell me of our family break up.. thanks dad.. what not to do!
~Lily
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
Food Slate
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
When I saw that image, it immediately gave me an idea re the 'Nothing Land' screenplay.
Wow such a honor
This one pertains to the impact of divorce on the child, whereas Nothing Land deals more with the impact of parents who don't divorce when they should on a child.
The impact of parents who don't divorce when they should on a child is just as devastating.
PS: How come these comments don't need verification, whereas the ones on Ramble On do?
I have no idea... it is really irritating.
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
i was on camp when my dad rang me to tell me of our family break up.. thanks dad.. what not to do!
I am so sorry. That totally sucks!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Great post, Miswanderlust.
Thanks so much for the compliment!
My parents just "swept it under the carpet" although we knew exactly what was going on. There was no major drama sessions except dad just slowly moved out.
It is so tough when ambivalence sets in or fear of the unknown. This is so hard the kids.... for whatever reason. The kids seem to what what is going on!
Mis