Honesty in Relationships
October 24th 2007 04:34
In August, I read one of Brenton's posts entitled People Like You Better When You Lie and it really resonated with me on many levels. Too often, especially in intimate relationships we are not honest.
Mad About You fans remember well when Paul told Jamie he mailed the wedding thank-you notes, even though they were still in his gym bag. The thank-you notes became a constant point of contention, not because Paul forgot to mail them but because he told Jamie he did when he didn't -- he lied.
Though tall tales can spell big trouble, little white lies ("Do I look fat in this?" "Of course not.") are commonplace but “buyer beware” the little white lie can block all discussion that can be helpful to a person. It prevents you from the opportunity to help because it closes off dialogue. You can tell the truth and still be kind. The trick is honing the skill of saying things in a way that the receiver can "hear" the information. Simply put...the way we communicate is remembered a lot longer then what we communicate.
Example: ‘I think you look better in a lighter shade, but the important thing is how YOU feel about it.’”
By giving a truthful answer, you’re opening up the subject for discussion and providing an opportunity to help. The easy, quick fib can become a bad habit. I would suggest the lie is bad because it doesn’t challenge you as a person to learn how to deal with ambiguous situations in a way that lets you say something that’s both truthful and not harmful.
Communications experts and psychologists agree that white lies are acceptable in some scenarios. If your boss asks how you liked her presentation, you'd better say you were captivated, even if it was less exciting than The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. But loved ones deserve a higher level of respect and honesty.
It is especially important for couples to avoid the Little White lies. Part of the gift of intimacy is that you can trust what the other person is saying. It doesn’t mean you have to tell it all— to let it all hang out. But normally it’s very important for there to be an absence of deception— for trust to exist in a successful intimate relationship. To be authentic and trustworthy we must not send our "representative" into a intimate relationship. We cannot be who we aren't. I believe many relationships fail because we become "actors' playing the part of who we think the other person wants us to be. This never works in the long term.
So What is the Big Deal?
Seemingly harmless lies can build up and eventually cause big problems. First you tell little lies, then you have to tell other lies to hide the first lies, which causes stress, and then you have real obstacles, because it prevents you from being relaxed and being yourself. Chronic reliance on the Little White Lie may have less to do with not wanting to hurt others. It may mean that we have a deeper fear of confrontation or disapproval. Feigning praise instead of authentic appraisal (when asked, that is) limits our own growth as compassionate communicators and certainly shows little confidence in our loved ones’ abilities to hear a truthful response.
You don’t want to get into the habit of doing it when it’s not necessary. If you find yourself doing it constantly, you need to question what impact it has on the credibility of your word and what it represent in terms of your character.
What do we do with the Big Whoppers?
If a fib -- or a big whopper -- does make its way into your relationship, don't panic. While trust is very hard to rebuild once it's lost, it's not impossible. The first step toward forgiveness is to understand why the lie was told. People lie for two reasons: to protect themselves or to protect others. If your mate lied instead of telling you what his mother really thinks about you, go easy on him. But if a mate lies to cover up an affair, you probably won't be as understanding.
Honesty may sound like a good policy, but is it possible to have a 100% honest relationship? These relationships do exist. Honest relationships are not easy. Sometimes the truth hurts, and it can create momentary stress. But in the long run, we couldn't have the intimacy we have without that honesty and trust. Honesty needn't be brutal. You don't have to be cruel when you tell the truth.
Mad About You fans remember well when Paul told Jamie he mailed the wedding thank-you notes, even though they were still in his gym bag. The thank-you notes became a constant point of contention, not because Paul forgot to mail them but because he told Jamie he did when he didn't -- he lied.
Though tall tales can spell big trouble, little white lies ("Do I look fat in this?" "Of course not.") are commonplace but “buyer beware” the little white lie can block all discussion that can be helpful to a person. It prevents you from the opportunity to help because it closes off dialogue. You can tell the truth and still be kind. The trick is honing the skill of saying things in a way that the receiver can "hear" the information. Simply put...the way we communicate is remembered a lot longer then what we communicate.
Example: ‘I think you look better in a lighter shade, but the important thing is how YOU feel about it.’”
By giving a truthful answer, you’re opening up the subject for discussion and providing an opportunity to help. The easy, quick fib can become a bad habit. I would suggest the lie is bad because it doesn’t challenge you as a person to learn how to deal with ambiguous situations in a way that lets you say something that’s both truthful and not harmful.
Communications experts and psychologists agree that white lies are acceptable in some scenarios. If your boss asks how you liked her presentation, you'd better say you were captivated, even if it was less exciting than The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. But loved ones deserve a higher level of respect and honesty.
It is especially important for couples to avoid the Little White lies. Part of the gift of intimacy is that you can trust what the other person is saying. It doesn’t mean you have to tell it all— to let it all hang out. But normally it’s very important for there to be an absence of deception— for trust to exist in a successful intimate relationship. To be authentic and trustworthy we must not send our "representative" into a intimate relationship. We cannot be who we aren't. I believe many relationships fail because we become "actors' playing the part of who we think the other person wants us to be. This never works in the long term.
So What is the Big Deal?
Seemingly harmless lies can build up and eventually cause big problems. First you tell little lies, then you have to tell other lies to hide the first lies, which causes stress, and then you have real obstacles, because it prevents you from being relaxed and being yourself. Chronic reliance on the Little White Lie may have less to do with not wanting to hurt others. It may mean that we have a deeper fear of confrontation or disapproval. Feigning praise instead of authentic appraisal (when asked, that is) limits our own growth as compassionate communicators and certainly shows little confidence in our loved ones’ abilities to hear a truthful response.
You don’t want to get into the habit of doing it when it’s not necessary. If you find yourself doing it constantly, you need to question what impact it has on the credibility of your word and what it represent in terms of your character.
What do we do with the Big Whoppers?
If a fib -- or a big whopper -- does make its way into your relationship, don't panic. While trust is very hard to rebuild once it's lost, it's not impossible. The first step toward forgiveness is to understand why the lie was told. People lie for two reasons: to protect themselves or to protect others. If your mate lied instead of telling you what his mother really thinks about you, go easy on him. But if a mate lies to cover up an affair, you probably won't be as understanding.
Honesty may sound like a good policy, but is it possible to have a 100% honest relationship? These relationships do exist. Honest relationships are not easy. Sometimes the truth hurts, and it can create momentary stress. But in the long run, we couldn't have the intimacy we have without that honesty and trust. Honesty needn't be brutal. You don't have to be cruel when you tell the truth.
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I recently saw this happen with a friend of mine. Her long time bf proposed but before he would allow her to accept or decline he felt he needed to come clean with her before they could move into a serious thing like marriage.
He spilled the beans on all the times he had cheated on her, all the times he had lied to her etc. She called it quits and the relationship, instead of moving forward, came to an end.
I admire his courage in coming clean but I wonder how differently things would have worked out if (apart from him not having done it in the first place) he had come clean with her at the time instead of letting it build up over the years.
It`s easy to let one little lie get out of control.... nipping it in the bud and all - a great post as always Mis
Ash
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I know what you mean. We get ourselves into binds so easily. I am glad that this drama happened before they took the plunge of marriage. My therapist intuition tells me that this bro sabotaged the whole thing so he did not have to get married. I hoped he went ahead and changed his behavior for his next relationship.
Mis