Emotional Intimacy
August 25th 2007 00:33
In discussions of intimacy, the traditional focus is on the spontaneous expression of feelings. We are in favor of spontaneity and naturalness, but it is naïve and self-defeating to believe that this alone sustains a marriage, especially a marriage plagued by sexual problems. This exercise asks you to have a planned, intentional “intimacy date.”
Traditionally in heterosexual couples, males have undervalued intimacy, so let the partner with this "vibe" be the initiator. Be sure you are both alert and awake, have time (at least half an hour – an hour is preferred), and will not be interrupted (the children are asleep or out of the house, the answering machine is on, you do not answer the door). The milieu can be enhanced by having a glass of wine or specialty coffee, playing music in the background, and sitting on the porch or in the family room. Initiation is personal and inviting, not “we have to do the exercise.”
Discuss an experience where you felt especially emotionally intimate. Examples include walking on the beach and feeling close, disclosing hopes and dreams, remembering your most intimate lovemaking, showing the spouse the neighborhood you grew up in and discussing your childhood, deciding you want to start a family, going on a picnic or hike and talking about your lives, feeling romantic and loving after attending a friend’s wedding, reacting to a loss, sharing excitement after a promotion, staying up all night to wallpaper your first apartment, walking in the rain, or after your first child was born realizing that you were a family and not just a couple. Focus on feelings, not on the event. How open were you? How close did you feel? How trusting were you?
What is the present state of emotional intimacy in the relationship? Be honest and specific. What do you say or do that facilitates intimacy? How frequently does it occur? How genuine are the feelings? How do you feel afterward?
The next topic is sensitive and difficult. What attitudes, behaviors, and feelings inhibit intimacy? Focus on your own feelings and behavior, not what the partner does or does not do. It is a cop-out to blame the spouse. Be responsible for your behavior. Specifically, what do you do or not do that blocks emotional intimacy? Is it intentional or unintentional? What are the advantages for you of maintaining barriers to intimacy? Are you willing to give up these barriers?
Make three specific requests that will enhance feelings of intimacy. Remember, these are requests, not demands. What do you want your partner to say or do that would increase your feelings of intimacy? Examples include talking by phone during the day (at least every other day); nondemand touching before going to sleep or on wakening; taking a walk and talking about feelings at least once a week; disclosing a painful experience or feeling, with the spouse empathically listening; saying, “I love you” in a genuine manner; once a week going out for dinner or coffee and dessert and discussing hopes and plans; after the children are asleep, putting on music and dancing; making birthdays and your anniversary special; making a romantic gesture like bringing flowers or a personal gift; in the midst of a conflict, not calling names or engage in dirty fighting; and greeting each other with a hug. Each prtner makes three specific, personal requests.
Intimacy does not mean you get everything you ask for or want. The partner is a separate person with separate feelings, perceptions, and needs. The artner does not have to give you everything the way you want it. Losing personal autonomy or giving up a sense of self to please the spouse does not promote genuine intimacy. In fact, it subverts intimacy. The partner does commit to listening in a respectful, caring manner. Both partners are committed to increasing intimacy, expressing feelings, and being a respectful, trusting couple.
Thanks wiki for the pic!
Traditionally in heterosexual couples, males have undervalued intimacy, so let the partner with this "vibe" be the initiator. Be sure you are both alert and awake, have time (at least half an hour – an hour is preferred), and will not be interrupted (the children are asleep or out of the house, the answering machine is on, you do not answer the door). The milieu can be enhanced by having a glass of wine or specialty coffee, playing music in the background, and sitting on the porch or in the family room. Initiation is personal and inviting, not “we have to do the exercise.”
Discuss an experience where you felt especially emotionally intimate. Examples include walking on the beach and feeling close, disclosing hopes and dreams, remembering your most intimate lovemaking, showing the spouse the neighborhood you grew up in and discussing your childhood, deciding you want to start a family, going on a picnic or hike and talking about your lives, feeling romantic and loving after attending a friend’s wedding, reacting to a loss, sharing excitement after a promotion, staying up all night to wallpaper your first apartment, walking in the rain, or after your first child was born realizing that you were a family and not just a couple. Focus on feelings, not on the event. How open were you? How close did you feel? How trusting were you?
What is the present state of emotional intimacy in the relationship? Be honest and specific. What do you say or do that facilitates intimacy? How frequently does it occur? How genuine are the feelings? How do you feel afterward?
The next topic is sensitive and difficult. What attitudes, behaviors, and feelings inhibit intimacy? Focus on your own feelings and behavior, not what the partner does or does not do. It is a cop-out to blame the spouse. Be responsible for your behavior. Specifically, what do you do or not do that blocks emotional intimacy? Is it intentional or unintentional? What are the advantages for you of maintaining barriers to intimacy? Are you willing to give up these barriers?
Make three specific requests that will enhance feelings of intimacy. Remember, these are requests, not demands. What do you want your partner to say or do that would increase your feelings of intimacy? Examples include talking by phone during the day (at least every other day); nondemand touching before going to sleep or on wakening; taking a walk and talking about feelings at least once a week; disclosing a painful experience or feeling, with the spouse empathically listening; saying, “I love you” in a genuine manner; once a week going out for dinner or coffee and dessert and discussing hopes and plans; after the children are asleep, putting on music and dancing; making birthdays and your anniversary special; making a romantic gesture like bringing flowers or a personal gift; in the midst of a conflict, not calling names or engage in dirty fighting; and greeting each other with a hug. Each prtner makes three specific, personal requests.
Intimacy does not mean you get everything you ask for or want. The partner is a separate person with separate feelings, perceptions, and needs. The artner does not have to give you everything the way you want it. Losing personal autonomy or giving up a sense of self to please the spouse does not promote genuine intimacy. In fact, it subverts intimacy. The partner does commit to listening in a respectful, caring manner. Both partners are committed to increasing intimacy, expressing feelings, and being a respectful, trusting couple.
Thanks wiki for the pic!
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Gotta love a gal who knows what she wants! :0)
Mis
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
You are so right!
Mis
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Then I met Kman! He taught me ALL about it! We spontaneously cuddle and play all the time....Im never so happy as I am in his arms. We're a bit like animals!
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
HAHAHAHAHA!
Mis