Fake It til you Make It: Confidence
August 5th 2007 05:11
Work meetings, school functions, family gatherings—there’s no end to the number of times we have to hold our own in a crowd. The question is, Does it bring out your best? From my years of working as a therapist, I can tell you that for lots of people, it doesn’t. Maybe being in a group makes you feel shy or self-conscious.
The secret? “If you behave in ways that make you appear confident, and that leads to a positive reaction from others—as well as helping you feel good about yourself—you become more self-assured,” says Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem. Translation: “Faking” confidence makes you more confident.
1. Dress the part. Before you step into a social situation, take the time to pick out clothes that help you exude confidence. Susan typically stuck to black, white, or both, and their staid look made her seem dull and standoffish. But see (above) how vibrant colors like aqua and orange brighten her eyes, skin, and hair, and make her features pop. Those specific colors may not work for everyone, but in general, brighter hues boost your mood and make people notice you.
2. Be “launched into the room. Most people fear going to a place where they won’t know a soul. The fix: Have someone “launch” you into the gathering. Have someone introduce you to other attendees.It takes a lot of pressure off of you. You won't have to worry about interrupting a conversation, and it gives you a "wingman or someone else to help divide and conquer the crowd.
Whether you’re at a party or a PTA meeting, there’s always someone in charge or a group of volunteers around. You might say to one of them, “Hi, I’m so-and-so. I actually don’t know anyone here—would you mind introducing me to some people?” or “I’ve always wanted to meet your neighbor. Would you make an introduction?”
3. Get a (good) grip. Nothing betrays a lack of confidence like a limp handshake, while one that’s strong projects self-assurance. How to get just the right grasp? Exercise: Master the “V-to-V” move. The secret to a firm handshake is meeting the “V’s” of both people’s hands (i.e., the fleshy area between your thumb and the rest of your fingers), and then wrapping your fingers around the other person’s hand with a solid shake. If your hand doesn’t reach far enough into the other person’s, your grip feels limp. Nothing's worse than a flaccid handshake.
4. Give yourself a goal. Another trick that’ll help you appear more confident is to have a “mission” at the event. If having fun or the business at hand doesn’t keep your mind off your nerves, choose a theme for your time there.
Try one of these.
Outrageous Kindness: Focus on being kind to people you encounter (compliment others on their outfits; help someone you see who’s struggling with her bags).
Make a Connection: Mingle with the intention of helping one person connect to another she needs to meet. For example, if someone is talking about wanting gift ideas for the holidays and you know another person who’s a creative present-giver, introduce them to one another. This “resource person” could be someone you already know, or someone you met at the gathering.
Smile or Bust: Make eye contact and smile with as many people as you can. Two to three seconds of eye contact will do. (Anything longer than that qualifies as a creepy stare.) Observe how many people respond with a smile that could lead to conversation.
5. “Borrow” confidence. Call it advanced faking: a powerful tool that actors use is called “Act as if.” Put another way, be someone else. In this case, it means channeling someone who is your picture of self-assuredness into your own behavior. Think of someone you admire for how she presents herself, and write down the characteristics you see in her. Note which of these qualities you may already possess. Next, spend five to ten minutes going about your normal activities “being” that person. Notice how you feel, how you stand, how you gesture. Then, write down what you learned. What could you borrow permanently to boost your “public you” personality? Were you less nervous “being” someone else? Keep these things in mind the next time you’re with others.
Making over your public you is simply a matter of peeling back the layers that keep your fabulous self masked.
The secret? “If you behave in ways that make you appear confident, and that leads to a positive reaction from others—as well as helping you feel good about yourself—you become more self-assured,” says Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem. Translation: “Faking” confidence makes you more confident.
1. Dress the part. Before you step into a social situation, take the time to pick out clothes that help you exude confidence. Susan typically stuck to black, white, or both, and their staid look made her seem dull and standoffish. But see (above) how vibrant colors like aqua and orange brighten her eyes, skin, and hair, and make her features pop. Those specific colors may not work for everyone, but in general, brighter hues boost your mood and make people notice you.
2. Be “launched into the room. Most people fear going to a place where they won’t know a soul. The fix: Have someone “launch” you into the gathering. Have someone introduce you to other attendees.It takes a lot of pressure off of you. You won't have to worry about interrupting a conversation, and it gives you a "wingman or someone else to help divide and conquer the crowd.
Whether you’re at a party or a PTA meeting, there’s always someone in charge or a group of volunteers around. You might say to one of them, “Hi, I’m so-and-so. I actually don’t know anyone here—would you mind introducing me to some people?” or “I’ve always wanted to meet your neighbor. Would you make an introduction?”
3. Get a (good) grip. Nothing betrays a lack of confidence like a limp handshake, while one that’s strong projects self-assurance. How to get just the right grasp? Exercise: Master the “V-to-V” move. The secret to a firm handshake is meeting the “V’s” of both people’s hands (i.e., the fleshy area between your thumb and the rest of your fingers), and then wrapping your fingers around the other person’s hand with a solid shake. If your hand doesn’t reach far enough into the other person’s, your grip feels limp. Nothing's worse than a flaccid handshake.
4. Give yourself a goal. Another trick that’ll help you appear more confident is to have a “mission” at the event. If having fun or the business at hand doesn’t keep your mind off your nerves, choose a theme for your time there.
Try one of these.
Outrageous Kindness: Focus on being kind to people you encounter (compliment others on their outfits; help someone you see who’s struggling with her bags).
Make a Connection: Mingle with the intention of helping one person connect to another she needs to meet. For example, if someone is talking about wanting gift ideas for the holidays and you know another person who’s a creative present-giver, introduce them to one another. This “resource person” could be someone you already know, or someone you met at the gathering.
Smile or Bust: Make eye contact and smile with as many people as you can. Two to three seconds of eye contact will do. (Anything longer than that qualifies as a creepy stare.) Observe how many people respond with a smile that could lead to conversation.
5. “Borrow” confidence. Call it advanced faking: a powerful tool that actors use is called “Act as if.” Put another way, be someone else. In this case, it means channeling someone who is your picture of self-assuredness into your own behavior. Think of someone you admire for how she presents herself, and write down the characteristics you see in her. Note which of these qualities you may already possess. Next, spend five to ten minutes going about your normal activities “being” that person. Notice how you feel, how you stand, how you gesture. Then, write down what you learned. What could you borrow permanently to boost your “public you” personality? Were you less nervous “being” someone else? Keep these things in mind the next time you’re with others.
Making over your public you is simply a matter of peeling back the layers that keep your fabulous self masked.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks so much for the compliment. I also had to force myself to be more confident. These days in my middle age, I can probably dial it down! (hehehehee)
Mis
Comment by Louie
randomthoughts
Phil's Wellness Tips
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I love this! It shall be my morning mantra.
Interesting about the black and white attire - i tend to stick to that for formal ocassions... hmmmm perhaps it`s time for a change?
Great post.
ash
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I am learning so much from your posts. A few years ago I was seeing a psychologist and she suggested this approach to me. At first I was sceptical, it just seemed to easy to be true. But it does work, it kick-starts the body into acting in a different way. It's very clever and I often use it as a mantra when I’m feeling nervous.
Thanks for the information,
Tracy
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks so much for stopping by, reading,and commenting! You make a great point.
I make sure i am feeling 100% my best....everyone has a different thing, exercise, a nice bath, just do something that makes you feel good beforehand so you feel like you belong in the room......always helps
I will definitely add it to my list!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it so much!
IInteresting about the black and white attire - i tend to stick to that for formal ocassions... hmmmm perhaps it`s time for a change?
I have to confess that I dress pretty monochromatically. This way I don't have to stress out with picking my wardrobe. I will pull out something sassy for a special occasion though!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks so much for the compliment. I put these posts up and then cross my fingers that someone can use the information. I am also glad to hear that a psychological intervention worked. As a therapist, I hear a lot of negative. It is so nice to hear the positive!
Mis
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I always gain something from your posts, even if I don't comment I'm reading. I think it's generous of you to share your knowledge and wisdom.
Thank-you,
Tracy
Comment by David
There's a bit too much in this post to do a full serious rundown on it:
1.
Blonde men, brunette men, bald men – there’s no end to the number of times promiscuous women have to fake it in isolation. The question is, Does it bring out your best false-orgasm? From my 13 years of as an instructor on how to fake the perfect orgasm, and author of numerous best-sellers like ‘Oooh Baby!’ ‘Oooh Baby 2’ and ‘Oooh Baby Yeah’ and others, I can tell you that for lots of women, it doesn’t. They tend to use the same ‘When Harry Met Sally’ technique every time. Maybe having no celluloid alternatives to compare your moans and groans to, makes you a bit reluctant to experiment with various primal moans or animal noises.
2.
The secret? Forget romantic chick-flicks and watch dick-pics (boy’s films). Anything with a bit of testosterone action will do. MTV videos are helpful as is the National Geographic channel on Foxtel. Watch how animals have sex, and how modern chicks full of angst and attitude act. “If you behave in ways that make you appear one hell of a scary motherfucka, that leads to a positive reaction from metrosexual men — as well as helping you feel empowered — you become instantly self-assured,” says Alanis Morisette songstress of those powerful fake orgasm lyrics, “Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute.”
3.
Dress the part. Any slutty outfit will do. Before you go out, take time to consider the difference between wearing modest clothes that don’t expose your midriff, cleavage, arse-cheeks, legs, various body-piercings and 'I'm a tough bitch' tatts, compared to just going out in designer undergarments disguised as dresses Take Posh Spice and Britney Spears as your role models, not Mrs Tom Stepford-Cruise. If you're really smart, you'll get a hard-core solarium, negress-type tan, and give yourself a shot at becoming the mother to Eddie Murphy's next child.
David ...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I hope you keep stopping back by! Always good to see you.
Mis
David
Thanks for doing your best. As always (in your own special way) you are dead on! Your comment reminds me that it is time for me to put up some "sexpertise" posts in Hipnotherapy. It might scare some folks off though. Thanks for adding that "something special" to my day!
Mis
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Finally, I've been trying to access this post all day, but kept getting an error message!!
Great tips here. I firmly subscribe to the "fake it till you make it" theory. Pretend you feel confident and it'll work.
I also think that Dressing The Part is hugely important. Whenever I have an important meeting, presentation, job interview etc, I make sure I look fabulous and take extra effort with the make up and hair. If I feel great about myself, then I'll naturally be more confident.
I love the tip about having a goal. I think I'll use that one in future!
great work
Kylie
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks for not giving up. I have found that for whatever reason this blog is persnickety and sometimes will not load. :0(
I agree with you 100% about dressing up or dressing the part. So important when you are faking it!
Mis
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Even though my innards are usually churning, (I suffer anxiety but I havnt had an attack in awhile) I smile, make eye contact and always have a firm handshake. My smile is a reflex now - just pops up whenever I have eye contact. My top tricks for confidence are -
Move swiftly and firmly - try to be graceful
Be purposeful - look as if you are always 'going somewhere'
only start talking if you know what you are talking about otherwise ask questions(even if you dont give a damn you look so smart and compassionate)
if you trip, stumble, fall, in speech or (god no) for real, LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH.
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thank you so much for your insightful comment. Thanks for visiting!
Mis