Common Boundary Myths
March 2nd 2008 04:49
There are psychological boundaries around each individual in a relationship. These individual boundaries have to do with self-determination and self-respect. They define each person's right to keep some part of themselves separate from the relationship (to not let it define them utterly), and also to expect that others treat them with respect. When these individual boundaries are intact and in place, we feel respected and cared for and not taken for granted. When they are broken by disrespectful actions. we end up feeling mad, sad, or annoyed.
Boundary violations of any sort tend to cause relationship problems. When one person's actions cause another to feel belittled, unimportant or uncomfortable, then that other partner is faced with the task of learning how to articulate needs in a more appropriate manner.
Learning how to effectively reduce unwanted intrusions is not as simple as it might first seem. It is, of course, necessary that you learn new ways of interacting with intrusive or people without boudaries. We must learn how to recognize and become aware that we are being intruded upon in the first place, and we must also decide that we are worthy and we do not deserve to be invaded or treated badly.
Myth #1: If I set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish
Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People
with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to others. But, because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become “visible.” Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate.
Our needs are our responsibility so it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t passively wait for others to take care of us. A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift. Just as a store manager takes good care of s hop for the owner, we are to do the same with our lives. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us. We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts and behaviors. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting ourselves. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.
Myth #2: Boundaries are a sign of Disobedience
Many fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. The truth is life changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes. An internal no nullifies an external yes. In other words, if we say yes to anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. Our lips say yes, but our hearts say no.
Here is a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we cant say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.
Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear –either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.” Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised. Having a ‘no’ helps us clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives.
Myth #3: If I begin to set Boundaries, others will hurt me
It is possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. Some will welcome it; some will hate it. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, and our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our ‘no.’
Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. First, there’s the person who welcomes your boundaries; who accepts them, who listens to them. The second type hates limits; resents your difference, tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy –or learn that there was very little to begin with.
Myth #4: If I begin to set Boundaries, I will hurt others
If you set boundaries, you fear that your limits will injure someone else –someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled. The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.
This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control our manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or another. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human and to be busy; to be unavailable at times, to hurt and have problems of their own, to have time alone. When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships; we can take a no from someone. We have somewhere else to go.
Myth #5: Boundaries mean that I am angry
It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them.
So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something and are a signal.
Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something –a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like Fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an “early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.
Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago, or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.
This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger” –its “old anger.” It’s often years of no’s that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.
It’s very common for boundary-injured people to do some “catching up” with anger. They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they have never realized existed.
A conflict does not mean a loss of love. A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your self. Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have been violated. As you develop a sense of boundaries, you develop safety in the present. You develop more safety in the present. You develop more confidence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your ‘no’ intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.” Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul.
Boundaries decrease anger so individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grown and develop.
Myth #6: When others set Boundaries, it injures me
Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let’s look at why accepting others’ boundaries is such a problem.
First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. A parent can hurt a child by not providing the correct amount of emotional connection at the appropriate time. Children’s emotional and psychological needs are primarily the new responsibility of the parents. The younger the child, the fewer places he or she can go to get those needs met. A self-centered, immature, or dependent parent can hurt a child by saying no at the wrong times.
Second we project our own injuries onto others. When we feel pain, one response is to “disown” the bad feeling and to throw it onto others. This is called projection. Quite often, people who have been hurt by inappropriate childhood boundaries will throw their fragility onto others. Sensing their own pain in others, they will avoid setting limits on others, as they imagine how devastating it would be to them.
Third, an inability to receive someone’s boundary may mean there is an idolatrous relationship. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne. We should never see one other person as the only source of good in the world. It hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom, and our development.
When we have a person we can’t take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal, and we will comply. This occurs quite often in marriages, where one spouse is kept in emotional blackmail by the other’s threat to leave. Not only is this no way to live, it doesn’t work, either. The controller continues withdrawing whenever he or she is displeased. And the boundary-less person continues frantically scrambling to keep him or her happy. Fourth, an inability to accept others’ boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibly.
Myth #7: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt
One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feeling of obligation. Many individuals solve this dilemma by avoiding boundary setting with those to whom they feel an obligation. In this sense, they can avoid the guilty feelings that occur when they say no to someone who has been kind to them. They never leave home, never change schools or churches, and never switch jobs or friends. Even when it would be an otherwise mature move.
The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time –or anything, which causes us to feel obligated –should be accepted as a gift. “Gift” implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her.
We need to distinguish here between who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by sincere thanks, the gift was probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guild attached.
Myth #8: Boundaries are permanent, and I’m afraid of burning my bridges
It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you; they are your own boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone, and he or she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place.
Boundary violations of any sort tend to cause relationship problems. When one person's actions cause another to feel belittled, unimportant or uncomfortable, then that other partner is faced with the task of learning how to articulate needs in a more appropriate manner.
Learning how to effectively reduce unwanted intrusions is not as simple as it might first seem. It is, of course, necessary that you learn new ways of interacting with intrusive or people without boudaries. We must learn how to recognize and become aware that we are being intruded upon in the first place, and we must also decide that we are worthy and we do not deserve to be invaded or treated badly.
Myth #1: If I set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish
Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People
with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to others. But, because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become “visible.” Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate.
Our needs are our responsibility so it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t passively wait for others to take care of us. A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift. Just as a store manager takes good care of s hop for the owner, we are to do the same with our lives. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us. We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts and behaviors. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting ourselves. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.
Myth #2: Boundaries are a sign of Disobedience
Many fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. The truth is life changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes. An internal no nullifies an external yes. In other words, if we say yes to anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. Our lips say yes, but our hearts say no.
Here is a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we cant say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.
Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear –either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.” Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised. Having a ‘no’ helps us clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives.
Myth #3: If I begin to set Boundaries, others will hurt me
It is possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. Some will welcome it; some will hate it. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, and our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our ‘no.’
Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. First, there’s the person who welcomes your boundaries; who accepts them, who listens to them. The second type hates limits; resents your difference, tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy –or learn that there was very little to begin with.
Myth #4: If I begin to set Boundaries, I will hurt others
If you set boundaries, you fear that your limits will injure someone else –someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled. The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.
This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control our manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or another. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human and to be busy; to be unavailable at times, to hurt and have problems of their own, to have time alone. When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships; we can take a no from someone. We have somewhere else to go.
Myth #5: Boundaries mean that I am angry
It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them.
So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something and are a signal.
Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something –a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like Fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an “early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.
Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago, or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.
This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger” –its “old anger.” It’s often years of no’s that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.
It’s very common for boundary-injured people to do some “catching up” with anger. They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they have never realized existed.
A conflict does not mean a loss of love. A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your self. Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have been violated. As you develop a sense of boundaries, you develop safety in the present. You develop more safety in the present. You develop more confidence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your ‘no’ intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.” Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul.
Boundaries decrease anger so individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grown and develop.
Myth #6: When others set Boundaries, it injures me
Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let’s look at why accepting others’ boundaries is such a problem.
First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. A parent can hurt a child by not providing the correct amount of emotional connection at the appropriate time. Children’s emotional and psychological needs are primarily the new responsibility of the parents. The younger the child, the fewer places he or she can go to get those needs met. A self-centered, immature, or dependent parent can hurt a child by saying no at the wrong times.
Second we project our own injuries onto others. When we feel pain, one response is to “disown” the bad feeling and to throw it onto others. This is called projection. Quite often, people who have been hurt by inappropriate childhood boundaries will throw their fragility onto others. Sensing their own pain in others, they will avoid setting limits on others, as they imagine how devastating it would be to them.
Third, an inability to receive someone’s boundary may mean there is an idolatrous relationship. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne. We should never see one other person as the only source of good in the world. It hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom, and our development.
When we have a person we can’t take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal, and we will comply. This occurs quite often in marriages, where one spouse is kept in emotional blackmail by the other’s threat to leave. Not only is this no way to live, it doesn’t work, either. The controller continues withdrawing whenever he or she is displeased. And the boundary-less person continues frantically scrambling to keep him or her happy. Fourth, an inability to accept others’ boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibly.
Myth #7: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt
One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feeling of obligation. Many individuals solve this dilemma by avoiding boundary setting with those to whom they feel an obligation. In this sense, they can avoid the guilty feelings that occur when they say no to someone who has been kind to them. They never leave home, never change schools or churches, and never switch jobs or friends. Even when it would be an otherwise mature move.
The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time –or anything, which causes us to feel obligated –should be accepted as a gift. “Gift” implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her.
We need to distinguish here between who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by sincere thanks, the gift was probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guild attached.
Myth #8: Boundaries are permanent, and I’m afraid of burning my bridges
It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you; they are your own boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone, and he or she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place.
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Comment by katyzzz
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If I had my life to live over with the knowledge I have now acquired, hmmmmm
Comment by Miswanderlust
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You can say that again! Wow it is so true that hindsight is 20/20!
Mis