Get Some Game Even If You Are Shy
August 11th 2007 03:51
I do quite a bit of relational counseling and find that some of the folks with the most game aren't necessarily the hottest, funniest, or smartest person. They are generally adept at interacting with others in a variety of settings and situations. This phenomena is called EQ or emotional quotient. Conversational proficiency is integral to opening relational doors. These skills can be developed at any age. Here are some tips to help even the shyest person.
1. Do a little homework.
If you go to a party or are meeting folks for the first time, think about the key guests and what you can say to bring them into their element. To keep your conversation timely and lively, scan newspaper headlines and book reviews.
2. Greet people appropriately.
To kiss or not to kiss? The question is so universal (and, for some, vexing) that Hamlet might have asked it. Generally, a firm handshake is safe, neutral bet. In social situations where faces are more familiar, the rules soften.
3. Remember names.
Introductions tend to pass in a blur, with both parties quickly blurting out names and then taking sips of wine. As a result, no one remembers who anyone is. Slow down and stay present. Repeat a name once or twice after you have heard it. If the name is difficult, take time to learn it. Don’t just move on. Say ‘I’m sorry. Let me try that. Did I get it right? Similarly, if someone mumbles, say, ‘Would you kindly repeat your name?’ And when you speak your own name, do so clearly. If you forget a name, discreetly ask a third party for help, or listen for it in conversation. If all else fails, come clean. Just say, ‘I can’t believe it. I’ve just drawn a blank.’ It’s such a normal, widespread, human happening that most people will understand.”
4. Don’t hold back.
Begin the conversation by giving the other person something to work with. But don’t put her to work. For example, if asked what you do for a living, don’t give the short answer, thereby forcing the other person to scramble for more questions. Embellish your response. As a therapist folks are sometimes at a loss at what to say and how to follow up with future questions. I put them out of their misery. I say ‘I’m a therapist." They next question is usually "Do you work with crazy people?" I always respond, "It takes one to know one" and it always gets a laugh. I immediately ask about them. Most folks like to talk about themselves so I encourage it.
5. Draw the other person out.
If I were at an exhibition, I ask what their favorite painting was. If I’ve never met them before, I ask what they do professionally and what they enjoy recreationally. I’ll ask if they’ve seen a particular exhibit or play. The questions don’t have to be that specific, Questions can also be utterly superficial – to begin with. ask about someone’s shoes or jewelry or their family.This information make statements about a person. I often ask what meaning a piece of jewelry has to its wearer, and that opens up a lot of other topics.
6. When in doubt, discuss the setting.
It sounds like a cop-out, but it works. If you comment on the good music or the interesting floral arrangements or how long a line for food is, and the other person agrees, that means they’re willing to talk to you. Another fail-sail, setting-specific question is “How do you know the host?”
7. Revive a dying conversation.
Don’t panic when there’s a lull in the conversation. Silences aren’t as long as you think they are. Remember that if you say something, the other person may need to process it. Think of silence as a transition.Sometimes silence is appropriate. You don’t want to seem like a babbling idiot. If you sense that the other person is dying to get away, give him the opportunity to do so. Otherwise, take the conversation in a new direction using one of the above tactics. Throw something out there,and don’t worry about making the transition smooth.
8. Make proper introductions.
The true hallmark of a skilled and gracious small-talker is the ability to introduce people with ease. In addition to announcing names, offer a piece of information about each person, or a shared interest, thereby facilitating a conversation. Try to be genuine and sincere and convey that each person is important, and try to say both name slowly. For example: “Kate, this is Jane. Jane and her husband just moved here from Cincinnati. Jane is interested in painting and is an artist herself. Jane, this is Kate. Kate is the museum’s director of communications.”
Things get tricky when you forget one of the names. In that instance, mention one person’s name and gesture to the other one. That person will usually sense that you’re at a loss and volunteer their name. Another idea...just pass the buck: Say the name of the person youI do know and then say to the other party, ‘I’ll put you in charge of the introduction.’”
9. Defuse unpleasant situations.
For every group of lovely people you meet at a party, there’s bound to be a lemon.
Type 1 is the person who has met you on several occasions but acts as if he’s never seen you before in his life. I don’t like to play games, so I acknowledge that we’ve met right away. I’ll say, ‘You may not recall, but I remember meeting you at a fundraiser two years ago.’”
Type 2 invades your personal space.I need lots of personal space with folks I don't know, I don’t say anything; I just move back. If they get me against a wall, I maneuver around them or step back. If they follow me, I extend whichever hand is holding my cocktail, so they’re an arm’s length away.
Type 3 won’t stop talking about himself and hasn’t asked you a single question. If someone is that self-centered, I exit the conversation gracefully.
10. Make a clean getaway.
Use the phrase ‘I need,... “I need to get some food; I haven’t eaten all day. I need to talk to a client over there. I need to meet the speaker.” Freshening your drink, using the restroom, chatting with a friend who has just arrived, and checking in with your family are also valid needs.
If you can mention something from the conversation that meant something to you it shows that you’re not running off because you’re bored. I say, “I’ve enjoyed talking to you about your volunteer work, and I hope to talk to you again.’”
For extreme situations, establish “rescue me” signals with a friend to let her know when you need help bailing out of a conversation. I have actually paged myself to escape a dull party.
1. Do a little homework.
If you go to a party or are meeting folks for the first time, think about the key guests and what you can say to bring them into their element. To keep your conversation timely and lively, scan newspaper headlines and book reviews.
2. Greet people appropriately.
To kiss or not to kiss? The question is so universal (and, for some, vexing) that Hamlet might have asked it. Generally, a firm handshake is safe, neutral bet. In social situations where faces are more familiar, the rules soften.
3. Remember names.
Introductions tend to pass in a blur, with both parties quickly blurting out names and then taking sips of wine. As a result, no one remembers who anyone is. Slow down and stay present. Repeat a name once or twice after you have heard it. If the name is difficult, take time to learn it. Don’t just move on. Say ‘I’m sorry. Let me try that. Did I get it right? Similarly, if someone mumbles, say, ‘Would you kindly repeat your name?’ And when you speak your own name, do so clearly. If you forget a name, discreetly ask a third party for help, or listen for it in conversation. If all else fails, come clean. Just say, ‘I can’t believe it. I’ve just drawn a blank.’ It’s such a normal, widespread, human happening that most people will understand.”
4. Don’t hold back.
Begin the conversation by giving the other person something to work with. But don’t put her to work. For example, if asked what you do for a living, don’t give the short answer, thereby forcing the other person to scramble for more questions. Embellish your response. As a therapist folks are sometimes at a loss at what to say and how to follow up with future questions. I put them out of their misery. I say ‘I’m a therapist." They next question is usually "Do you work with crazy people?" I always respond, "It takes one to know one" and it always gets a laugh. I immediately ask about them. Most folks like to talk about themselves so I encourage it.
5. Draw the other person out.
If I were at an exhibition, I ask what their favorite painting was. If I’ve never met them before, I ask what they do professionally and what they enjoy recreationally. I’ll ask if they’ve seen a particular exhibit or play. The questions don’t have to be that specific, Questions can also be utterly superficial – to begin with. ask about someone’s shoes or jewelry or their family.This information make statements about a person. I often ask what meaning a piece of jewelry has to its wearer, and that opens up a lot of other topics.
6. When in doubt, discuss the setting.
It sounds like a cop-out, but it works. If you comment on the good music or the interesting floral arrangements or how long a line for food is, and the other person agrees, that means they’re willing to talk to you. Another fail-sail, setting-specific question is “How do you know the host?”
7. Revive a dying conversation.
Don’t panic when there’s a lull in the conversation. Silences aren’t as long as you think they are. Remember that if you say something, the other person may need to process it. Think of silence as a transition.Sometimes silence is appropriate. You don’t want to seem like a babbling idiot. If you sense that the other person is dying to get away, give him the opportunity to do so. Otherwise, take the conversation in a new direction using one of the above tactics. Throw something out there,and don’t worry about making the transition smooth.
8. Make proper introductions.
The true hallmark of a skilled and gracious small-talker is the ability to introduce people with ease. In addition to announcing names, offer a piece of information about each person, or a shared interest, thereby facilitating a conversation. Try to be genuine and sincere and convey that each person is important, and try to say both name slowly. For example: “Kate, this is Jane. Jane and her husband just moved here from Cincinnati. Jane is interested in painting and is an artist herself. Jane, this is Kate. Kate is the museum’s director of communications.”
Things get tricky when you forget one of the names. In that instance, mention one person’s name and gesture to the other one. That person will usually sense that you’re at a loss and volunteer their name. Another idea...just pass the buck: Say the name of the person youI do know and then say to the other party, ‘I’ll put you in charge of the introduction.’”
9. Defuse unpleasant situations.
For every group of lovely people you meet at a party, there’s bound to be a lemon.
Type 1 is the person who has met you on several occasions but acts as if he’s never seen you before in his life. I don’t like to play games, so I acknowledge that we’ve met right away. I’ll say, ‘You may not recall, but I remember meeting you at a fundraiser two years ago.’”
Type 2 invades your personal space.I need lots of personal space with folks I don't know, I don’t say anything; I just move back. If they get me against a wall, I maneuver around them or step back. If they follow me, I extend whichever hand is holding my cocktail, so they’re an arm’s length away.
Type 3 won’t stop talking about himself and hasn’t asked you a single question. If someone is that self-centered, I exit the conversation gracefully.
10. Make a clean getaway.
Use the phrase ‘I need,... “I need to get some food; I haven’t eaten all day. I need to talk to a client over there. I need to meet the speaker.” Freshening your drink, using the restroom, chatting with a friend who has just arrived, and checking in with your family are also valid needs.
If you can mention something from the conversation that meant something to you it shows that you’re not running off because you’re bored. I say, “I’ve enjoyed talking to you about your volunteer work, and I hope to talk to you again.’”
For extreme situations, establish “rescue me” signals with a friend to let her know when you need help bailing out of a conversation. I have actually paged myself to escape a dull party.
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
hahahahaha! I need a pager!
Some great tips you have given here... as well as giving some signs for how to exit a conversation you have also given some to look out for in the event that someone exits your conversation! May be humiliating at first but it`s also a good way for you to have a good, long look at yourself and think what you have done to make the other person RUN.... obviously you have to have a little bit of savvy with that one... you can`t be too critical on yourself.
ash
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am so glad that you enjoyed this post. I have to tell you that I learned a lot of this by trial and error (mostly error!)
Mis
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Be stiff or awkward in the first 30s, and it's doomed.
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
It is so good to see you. So many folks have a hard time striking up a conversation!
Mis