Rules of Considerate Conduct: Part 1
October 7th 2007 23:13
1. Pay Attention. Without attention, no meaningful interaction is possible. Our first responsibility, when we are with others, is to pay attention, to attend to. Etymology tells us that attention has to do with “turning toward,” “extending toward,” “stretching.” Thus attention is a tension connecting us to the world around us. Only after we notice the world can we begin to care for it. Every act of kindness is, first of all, an act of attention. When we pay attention, when we are alert to the world, we improve substantially the quality of our responses and therefore the quality of our lives and of the lives of those who touch ours. We want to inhabit every situation with ease but at the same time maintain a little bit of the stranger’s ability to be “impressed” by reality. We want to allow reality to leave its mark upon our consciousness.
2. Acknowledge Others. Acknowledge others’ existence, their importance to you, their feelings, and the things they do for you. Acknowledgement comes in many forms: remembering someone’s name, paying a thoughtful compliment, summarizing what was just said for a newcomer to the conversation, holding a door open to let someone through, welcoming, thanking, and just plain saying hello. We can’t feel gregarious every moment of our lives. At times we will be turned inward, unavailable to others, protective of our space and frame of mind. And that’s all right. Sometimes we need that to recharge after the great expenditures of physical and nervous energy required by today’s life. We can, however, do without the invisibility game. It is insincere and petty. Let’s at least nod each other into existence. And let’s not play another game, either, that of waiting to be acknowledged before acknowledging in turn. I hope that we will always have enough self-esteem to feel that being first in greeting doesn’t entail loss of face.
3. Think the Best. Thinking the best of others is a decent thing to do and a way of keeping a source of healthful innocence in our lives. When we approach others assuming that they are good, honest, and sensitive, we often encourage them to be just that. There is not doubt that thinking the best of others can boost the quality of your life. Among other things, it will help you establish rapport with many people who otherwise would remain strangers. Be careful, however, not to overdo it. Thinking the best of others can make us dangerously vulnerable. Your optimism should not be unthinking but rather tempered by the right dose of realism Having a positive attitude doesn’t mean that you should trust just anybody with your life.
4. Listen. What prevents us from doing a good job of listening is that instead of focusing on other people, we focus on ourselves and our own needs. This is what we do, for instance, when we interrupt. Along with narcissism, a power game is sometimes involved here. Taking control of the conversational flow makes us feel as though we have control over our partners in speech. Good listening has three basic components. When you are ready to listen: (1) plan your listening; (2) show that you are listening; (3) be a cooperative listener.
*Plan your listening. Listen with no other intention than that of listening. Make the conscious effort of making listening your goal. Say to yourself: I’m going to listen now; this is the time to just listen; I am going to make time to listen. Silence is, of course, your tool of choice. Being able to listen is, before anything else, being able to remain silent so that someone else can speak. Rediscover the power and allure of silence – your silence and that of the world around you. Since you want to give the other person your undivided attention, eliminate sources of distraction. Turn off your television set and your cellular telephone. Finally, put out of your mind your next errands and appointments. Remember, your goal is to stay focused on the present.
*Show that you are listening. You want the other person to know that you are taking the task of listening seriously. Establish eye contact. Give the occasional nod. Interject brief expressions that show that your thoughts are not wondering and encourage the speaker to continue: “Yes,” “Right,” “I understand,” “I didn’t know that,” “I see.” Once in a while you may want to reconfigure in your own words your interlocutor’s message to verify that you understood the point her or she is trying to make. “I just don’t know what to do,” Mia tells her friend Teresa, “I’ve tried all my daughter’s life to encourage her and let her make her own decisions. I thought that would boost her self-esteem. And I thought she was well adjusted. But now she seems defiant and out of control. She snaps at me all the time, telling me it’s her life and she knows what’s good for her. Maybe I should have been more of a disciplinarian. All I know is that I’m really worried.” This is the time for Teresa to restate briefly what she has heard: “Alice being rebellious makes you second-guess yourself as a parent. Now, do you really think that the problem is that you may have not given her enough structure and discipline?”
*Be a cooperative listener. There is a point where listening becomes a fully collaborative enterprise. Cooperative listening means separating what is important from what is not. It means helping give shape and direction to what the other person says while also trying to understand what he or she is trying to say, not only with words but with body language as well. Cooperative listening has to do with asking the right questions (open-ended questions in particular, of the “How do you feel about that?,” “ What are the alternatives?.” And do with stopping short of intruding. Rather than satisfying your curiosity, helping the speaker achieve a higher level of clarity should be the goal of your questions.
Finally, although you may be forming your opinions on what is being said, voice them only if you have a clear sense that that is what your interlocutor expects you to do and if you are comfortable with doing so. The same rule applies to giving advice.
Not every verbal exchange requires the same level of listening concentration. Good listening is hard work. Since our supply of energy is limited, investing it judiciously is part of wisdom. Let’s never forget that the quality of our listening is as good a measure of our humanity as any.
Human beings want someone to listen to them. In the midst of a culture that glorifies indulgent self-expression, we may find it difficult to attend patiently to the words of others. It may not occur to us that when we find the strength to engage in considerate listening we are in fact expressing ourselves. At our best.
Taken from the text Choosing Civility
2. Acknowledge Others. Acknowledge others’ existence, their importance to you, their feelings, and the things they do for you. Acknowledgement comes in many forms: remembering someone’s name, paying a thoughtful compliment, summarizing what was just said for a newcomer to the conversation, holding a door open to let someone through, welcoming, thanking, and just plain saying hello. We can’t feel gregarious every moment of our lives. At times we will be turned inward, unavailable to others, protective of our space and frame of mind. And that’s all right. Sometimes we need that to recharge after the great expenditures of physical and nervous energy required by today’s life. We can, however, do without the invisibility game. It is insincere and petty. Let’s at least nod each other into existence. And let’s not play another game, either, that of waiting to be acknowledged before acknowledging in turn. I hope that we will always have enough self-esteem to feel that being first in greeting doesn’t entail loss of face.
3. Think the Best. Thinking the best of others is a decent thing to do and a way of keeping a source of healthful innocence in our lives. When we approach others assuming that they are good, honest, and sensitive, we often encourage them to be just that. There is not doubt that thinking the best of others can boost the quality of your life. Among other things, it will help you establish rapport with many people who otherwise would remain strangers. Be careful, however, not to overdo it. Thinking the best of others can make us dangerously vulnerable. Your optimism should not be unthinking but rather tempered by the right dose of realism Having a positive attitude doesn’t mean that you should trust just anybody with your life.
4. Listen. What prevents us from doing a good job of listening is that instead of focusing on other people, we focus on ourselves and our own needs. This is what we do, for instance, when we interrupt. Along with narcissism, a power game is sometimes involved here. Taking control of the conversational flow makes us feel as though we have control over our partners in speech. Good listening has three basic components. When you are ready to listen: (1) plan your listening; (2) show that you are listening; (3) be a cooperative listener.
*Plan your listening. Listen with no other intention than that of listening. Make the conscious effort of making listening your goal. Say to yourself: I’m going to listen now; this is the time to just listen; I am going to make time to listen. Silence is, of course, your tool of choice. Being able to listen is, before anything else, being able to remain silent so that someone else can speak. Rediscover the power and allure of silence – your silence and that of the world around you. Since you want to give the other person your undivided attention, eliminate sources of distraction. Turn off your television set and your cellular telephone. Finally, put out of your mind your next errands and appointments. Remember, your goal is to stay focused on the present.
*Show that you are listening. You want the other person to know that you are taking the task of listening seriously. Establish eye contact. Give the occasional nod. Interject brief expressions that show that your thoughts are not wondering and encourage the speaker to continue: “Yes,” “Right,” “I understand,” “I didn’t know that,” “I see.” Once in a while you may want to reconfigure in your own words your interlocutor’s message to verify that you understood the point her or she is trying to make. “I just don’t know what to do,” Mia tells her friend Teresa, “I’ve tried all my daughter’s life to encourage her and let her make her own decisions. I thought that would boost her self-esteem. And I thought she was well adjusted. But now she seems defiant and out of control. She snaps at me all the time, telling me it’s her life and she knows what’s good for her. Maybe I should have been more of a disciplinarian. All I know is that I’m really worried.” This is the time for Teresa to restate briefly what she has heard: “Alice being rebellious makes you second-guess yourself as a parent. Now, do you really think that the problem is that you may have not given her enough structure and discipline?”
*Be a cooperative listener. There is a point where listening becomes a fully collaborative enterprise. Cooperative listening means separating what is important from what is not. It means helping give shape and direction to what the other person says while also trying to understand what he or she is trying to say, not only with words but with body language as well. Cooperative listening has to do with asking the right questions (open-ended questions in particular, of the “How do you feel about that?,” “ What are the alternatives?.” And do with stopping short of intruding. Rather than satisfying your curiosity, helping the speaker achieve a higher level of clarity should be the goal of your questions.
Finally, although you may be forming your opinions on what is being said, voice them only if you have a clear sense that that is what your interlocutor expects you to do and if you are comfortable with doing so. The same rule applies to giving advice.
Not every verbal exchange requires the same level of listening concentration. Good listening is hard work. Since our supply of energy is limited, investing it judiciously is part of wisdom. Let’s never forget that the quality of our listening is as good a measure of our humanity as any.
Human beings want someone to listen to them. In the midst of a culture that glorifies indulgent self-expression, we may find it difficult to attend patiently to the words of others. It may not occur to us that when we find the strength to engage in considerate listening we are in fact expressing ourselves. At our best.
Taken from the text Choosing Civility
| 58 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Krystal
feelings
My social skills are not very good although I think I have good manners so I'll have to take this all in. I'm sure it will be helpful.
Crystal
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am so glad that you enjoyed this post. Thanks for visiting, reading, and commenting. I always like meeting new folks!
Mis
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M