Nose Rings and Teenaged Things
June 24th 2007 04:47
A Parental Survival Guide!
LET TEENS KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO JUST PLAIN LISTEN to their ideas without making judgments. Talking is a way they think things out.
BE ACCESSIBLE. Teens often blurt things out or want to talk at strange or inconvenient times. Be ready to listen. There are many teachable or bonding moments.
USE QUESTIONS SPARINGLY. Resist the urge to know EVERYTHING your teen is thinking or planning. Show some trust; you would expect the same. Do not ask a question that you know the answer to. Do not promote oversharing. You are a parent not a friend.
TRY NOT TO BE DEFENSIVE. When they make generalizations or critical remarks, don`t take them personally. They are opportunities for discussion.
GIVE STRAIGHT FORWARD ADVICE OR FEEDBACK ON IMPORTANT ISSUES such as sex, drinking and drugs, but don`t keep repeating it. They need to hear you and they do hear you, even if they pretend indifference.
TALK ABOUT YOURSELF SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF THE TEEN. They hate to be the only topic under discussion. Tell them about your own teen memories and mistakes.
SET UP AND USE FAMILY MEETINGS TO FULL ADVANTAGE. Get input from each person on rules, curfews, etc. as well as on the consequences of breaking rules. Sign agreements, try them out; modify as needed.
SHOW INTIMACY. Teens are still kids inside; they need the warm feelings of belonging that come from good touches and hugs.
GIVE LOTS OF PRAISE AND POSITIVE FEEDBACK. Teens need to hear the "good stuff" just like the rest of us. It's true that straight ahead compliments are not always taken graciously by teens, but they still need them. Make praise genuine, descriptive and meaningful. They need to know you love them for who they are inside, as well as what they can do.
GIVE THEM RESPONSIBILITIES WITH EVERY PRIVILEGE; that`s real life. Parents must be responsible to model responsibility.
TEACH THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS and make them accept the consequences of each choice they make. Brainstorm together and problem solve. Show genuine respect for your teen’s ideas, even if you disagree or don't use all of them. Make sure she knows that you believe she can make choices in her own best long term interest.
Show confidence in her judgment whenever possible.
TEACH THEM TO DEAL WITH INFORMATION. Teach them to think critically about what they see or hear, as well as how to sort out and prioritize information.
TAKE TIME TO RELAX AND HAVE FUN. Teens need to learn positive ways to manage stress; enjoying each other will build lifetime relationships.
MAKE THEM EARN WHAT THEY WANT, and know the difference between wants and needs. Instant gratification does not teach life skills.
RESPECT YOUR TEEN”S PRIVACY. This cannot be stressed enough! Accept your teen's separateness -- allow areas of privacy in his life. A recent university study has found that teenagers have fewer problems when their privacy is respected at home. This means that parents do not open their mail, eavesdrop on phone conversations or search their rooms, especially in the absence of a serious problem like obvious drug abuse. When teens feel secure in their own little private corner of the house, they are likely to feel more trusted and competent -- getting a valuable foretaste of independence and, since they aren't so inclined to fight for independence, they are more likely to share more of themselves with parents! Also, respect your teen's privacy regarding his body. Young teens are often quite self conscious about body changes. They can be devastated by teasing or critical comments. Don't ask invasive questions about sexuality, like "How did you make out?" This reinforces peer pressure for your son to be sexually active before he's emotionally ready. Accept your teen's separateness -- allow areas of privacy in his life. This can help him to grow up to think for himself, and to take more responsibility for his own
SUPPORT YOUR TEEN’S FRIENDSHIPS. Encourage your teen to have her friends over as often as possible. (In a way this is actually a compliment.)
RESPECT INDIVIDUALITY. Show your teen that you love her for who she is as a person, not just for what she can achieve.
DO NOT DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR TEEN THAT SHE CAN DO FOR HERSELF.
TEACH TIME MANAGEMENT. Don't manage her time for your teen; teach her to manage her own time.
FACE PROBLEMS TOGETHER AS A FAMILY. Don't let denial or blame come between you. Facing pain together can enhance your closeness.
RECONNECT AS A FAMILY. Teens need their parent now more than ever. Let happy memories lead you back to positive feelings about each other. Recalling happy memories can make a wonderful difference when you're in the middle, or aftermath, of a crisis. Remembering when you felt warm, loving and connected can be a unifying factor. Give family time top priority -- even though you're all busy. Get to know each other in new ways. Share feelings, stories of the past, dreams for the future. Get involved in causes and altruistic activities as a family.
Finally, let family rituals, from traditions to nicknames bring you together again and again. Rituals are unifying. They can be shortcuts to good feelings, close ties and happy memories.
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SHOW: Screaming begets screaming. Disrespect breeds resentment. Kindness begets kindness.
DO NOT COMPARE CHILDREN. The water that hardens the egg softens the carrot. Two children who are raised in the same house by the same parents will have different experiences and therefore different perspectives. Differences in ease of raising will occur!
YOUR CHILDREN”S FAILURES ARE NOT YOURS.
YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT IT”S LIKE TO BE A TEEN TODAY. Just listen to your teen’s frustrations. They probably do not want you to solve their problems.
DRAMA QUEENS ARE RAISED NOT BORN! Having a neutral demeanor and reasonable expectations for your child will alleviate much of the teenage angst!
Copyright 2003
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
What a great post. I wish that more parents would get hold of this information. I can see a lot of points here that my parents never paid much attention to.
A question... which is more of a ponder really so doesn`t require answering.... when a parent says, 'Don`t you realise I was your age once?' do they actually remember being a teenager... or do they remember being a teenager with the head of an adult?
Great advice Mis.... printed and saved for one day when I need great advice on this matter with my own
ash
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
'Don`t you realise I was your age once?' do they actually remember being a teenager... or do they remember being a teenager with the head of an adult?
I think that some parents really remember and that others can barely remember what it felt like to be "them" last week!
printed and saved for one day when I need great advice on this matter with my own
What an honor......
Mis
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Like Ash, my parents made some blunders with me and I can see how their lack of trust impacted me. Actually my dad was strict and didn't trust me....my mum was great.
It has certainly affected our relationship to this day.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I just hope I'm thick skinned enough for when they spat "I hate you" out of frustration.
You will be...
my parents made some blunders with me
I know I have with my son and I have a degree in child development, a degree in social work, and one in counseling. I believe that parenting is an art with education. My 21 year old son and I joke that every wrong thing I did is one more topic for him and future therapists. We laugh and laugh at that one. But it rings with truth. I did the best I knew how to at the time and there are things I wish I could take back. I told him that you can learn as much from bad parenting (what not to do) as from good. But wiith all that being said my son tells others that he had the best mom in the world. (Even though he said some things in anger that were hurtful as I am sure I did also). So go figure!
Thanks for stopping by!
MIs