Sexual Desire As a Couple Issue
August 22nd 2007 02:31
This post is the first in a series.....
This exercise involves two steps – the first is that each spouse writes self-blaming or the blaming-the-partner statements. Next to each statement, they each write a healthy counter-statement that challenges irrational, self-defeating blaming. The second step is to discuss new, healthy understandings about sexual desire as a couple issue. They should write down and save these new understandings so that they can use these as in the coming weeks, months, and years.
Example of self-blaming and partner-blaming statements (with counters) include:
“It’s all my fault.” – Sexual desire is complex; there is not an angel and a devil.
“My spouse doesn’t love me.” – Love and sexual desire are not the same.
“It’s guilt from my religious background.” – Guilt inhibits sexual desire. However, religious couples report high desire and satisfaction. The new Catholic teaching (almost all religions agree on this) is pro-sex in marriage.
“If only I hadn’t gotten pregnant.” – “If only” thinking is self-defeating. Deal with the present; you cannot change the past.
“I can’t enjoy sex until I lose 20 pounds.” – A positive body image is important, but sexuality should not be held hostage to weight or a perfect body image. Sexual desire is based in the relationship and on giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.
“Romantic love is gone; there’s nothing I can do.” – Romantic love is very fragile; it seldom lasts more than 2 years and typically dissipates after 6 months. Sexual desire is based on mature intimacy, not romantic love.
“The best sex is premarital or extramarital.” – Marital sex is special and can be high quality and satisfying.
We’ve been trapped in a no-sex marriage for so long, it will never change.” – Chronic problems are difficult, but motivated couples do revitalize marital sexuality.
“We have the only nonconsummated marriage in the city.” – Because of stigma and embarrassment, people do not discuss this problem. Nonconsummated marriages exist and the problem is resolvable.
“Since my spouse had an affair, I will never trust her or desire to be sexual with her.” – Couples can and do survive affairs. Intimacy and sexuality facilitate the healing process and are an integral component in rebuilding the trust bond.
There are many more self-defeating cognitions, but happily, there are even more rational, problem-solving counters.
The second step is to discuss sexual desire as a couple issue. Write down understandings as a way to acknowledge and reinforce crucial insights. New understandings facilitate self-acceptance, spouse-acceptance, and being an intimate team.
Do this exercise together. Write two to five statements about inhibited sexual desire and the no-sex or low-sex marriage as a couple issue. Be sure these are clear and genuine. Examples are
“There is no good guy-bad guy; inhibited sexual desire is the enemy. We will fight it together and revitalize marital sexuality.”
“Our love for each other and commitment to the marriage will help us overcome this sexual problem.”
“We are good people and a good couple that deserves to enjoy sexuality.”
“
The sexual problem has been a drain and we have been terrible to each other, but now we are committed to being an intimate team and to developing a vital, satisfying sexual relationship.”
“We want to have sex and a baby. We are going to support each other in doing this.”
Develop your list of statements, which will allow you to maintain an intimate team approach even when you encounter the inevitable frustrations, disappointments, and setbacks.
This exercise involves two steps – the first is that each spouse writes self-blaming or the blaming-the-partner statements. Next to each statement, they each write a healthy counter-statement that challenges irrational, self-defeating blaming. The second step is to discuss new, healthy understandings about sexual desire as a couple issue. They should write down and save these new understandings so that they can use these as in the coming weeks, months, and years.
Example of self-blaming and partner-blaming statements (with counters) include:
“It’s all my fault.” – Sexual desire is complex; there is not an angel and a devil.
“My spouse doesn’t love me.” – Love and sexual desire are not the same.
“It’s guilt from my religious background.” – Guilt inhibits sexual desire. However, religious couples report high desire and satisfaction. The new Catholic teaching (almost all religions agree on this) is pro-sex in marriage.
“If only I hadn’t gotten pregnant.” – “If only” thinking is self-defeating. Deal with the present; you cannot change the past.
“I can’t enjoy sex until I lose 20 pounds.” – A positive body image is important, but sexuality should not be held hostage to weight or a perfect body image. Sexual desire is based in the relationship and on giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.
“Romantic love is gone; there’s nothing I can do.” – Romantic love is very fragile; it seldom lasts more than 2 years and typically dissipates after 6 months. Sexual desire is based on mature intimacy, not romantic love.
“The best sex is premarital or extramarital.” – Marital sex is special and can be high quality and satisfying.
We’ve been trapped in a no-sex marriage for so long, it will never change.” – Chronic problems are difficult, but motivated couples do revitalize marital sexuality.
“We have the only nonconsummated marriage in the city.” – Because of stigma and embarrassment, people do not discuss this problem. Nonconsummated marriages exist and the problem is resolvable.
“Since my spouse had an affair, I will never trust her or desire to be sexual with her.” – Couples can and do survive affairs. Intimacy and sexuality facilitate the healing process and are an integral component in rebuilding the trust bond.
There are many more self-defeating cognitions, but happily, there are even more rational, problem-solving counters.
The second step is to discuss sexual desire as a couple issue. Write down understandings as a way to acknowledge and reinforce crucial insights. New understandings facilitate self-acceptance, spouse-acceptance, and being an intimate team.
Do this exercise together. Write two to five statements about inhibited sexual desire and the no-sex or low-sex marriage as a couple issue. Be sure these are clear and genuine. Examples are
“There is no good guy-bad guy; inhibited sexual desire is the enemy. We will fight it together and revitalize marital sexuality.”
“Our love for each other and commitment to the marriage will help us overcome this sexual problem.”
“We are good people and a good couple that deserves to enjoy sexuality.”
“
The sexual problem has been a drain and we have been terrible to each other, but now we are committed to being an intimate team and to developing a vital, satisfying sexual relationship.”
“We want to have sex and a baby. We are going to support each other in doing this.”
Develop your list of statements, which will allow you to maintain an intimate team approach even when you encounter the inevitable frustrations, disappointments, and setbacks.
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Comment by David
I'll let you know when I find someone to help me fill out the form.
David ...
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
After said Catholic primary school, I was thrust into a public high school. First day o dear me tits arse and fuck everywhere, whats a good girl to do? I changed my image so fast even I didnt know what I was anymore! I became a sex queen, hell bent on erasing all Catholic teaching - How dare you tell me desire is bad? Thats a careful distinction too - Sex is fine, it makes babies, but arousal and desire? Youre going to hell.
There has been a common element in every psychiatrist I ever saw(bout 8 of them? All diagnosed different things and loved to argue about it) they all claimed I must have been abused. They might be right, there is a certain evidence. Its not something Im keen to remember if it is true. Sometimes Im utterly terrified of sex - the whole idea just disgusts me. But, I was raped on my 19th birthday, does that count?
But when Im on an ovulation upswing? There is no guilt, there is no doubt, only desire and a desperate need to satisfy it. I have no drama with sex except for the massive difference in these two states - Im either all for it, everything, no holds barred, or against it utterly, UCK how dare you presume Im that kind of girl?
It messes with my poor Kmans mind. Not to mention mine!
Comment by Wendi
It's more than a physical act, it's a connection on physical and spiritual levels, and the spiritual aspects of sexuality should be addressed as openly and honestly as the physical attributes.
Then again, I'm no relationship expert (well, perhaps an expert at failed relationships!)... and have had to overcome a whole lot of sexual issues (of various natures) from my past. Fortunately, I'm a communicator by nature, and I still hold on to belief and hope in connecting fully with a partner with whom I can communicate and explore openly. However, in all fairness, having been extremely recently divorced, I have absolutely no desire to "date" and don't mind waiting for the right opportunity before going down that road again.
I can hear George Michael singing, "Let's talk about sex, baby; let's talk about you and me; let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be... let's talk about it... let's talk about sex!"
W
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Let me know...I am always here to help!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Research puts forth that a lack of desire may be a consequence of a basically high inhibitory tone due to religious training, which could be further increased by the threat contained in the anticipation of perceived sexual failure. In addition the possibility of externally determined outcomes, such as the possibility of pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease coupled with a variety of threats derived from the sexual relationship or partner behavior (e.g., threat of rejection, humiliation, or betrayal) can also snuff out that candle of desire.
Rape is certainly a sexual inhibitor due to the violent nature of the act. Many victims continue to suffer from PTSD for years following assault. I am sorry that you have not found a counselor that fits your need.
Not all counselors are a good fit with clients. Shopping around is always best! So good to see you!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I think communication is key in any relationship, particularly when it comes to sexuality.
Amen sister!
Talking about sex can be as erotic as having sex if the lines of communication are open.
Can I get another amen!
It's more than a physical act, it's a connection on physical and spiritual levels, and the spiritual aspects of sexuality should be addressed as openly and honestly as the physical attributes.
You are very wise. I wish more folks were on board with this.
I can hear George Michael singing, "Let's talk about sex, baby; let's talk about you and me; let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be... let's talk about it... let's talk about sex!"
Me too! :0)
Soooooo good to see you!
Mis
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Partly I think a fear of councillors came from when I was a kid - Mum insisted I see one about her and dad breaking up which only meant I was pulled out of school a few times a week. Just what I needed when I was already teased for being 'weird'. I had no idea what I was supposed to be talking about. Same thing between oct 2002 and june 2004 when I collected at least 10 counsellors, 8 psychiatrists and 2 nuerologists! My file is still open ended because I just never went back - 2 years and no answers, I thought man, I want a life again!
But of course, issues persist....I prefer to work it through on my own. Still thinking.
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I hope that you are getting your life back! You are certainly worth it!
Mis
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Good luck with this time of your life!
Mis