Sexual Poisons and Turnoffs
August 22nd 2007 23:01
This exercise involves a concrete, personal assessment of sexual poisons and turnoffs. Develop a realistic plan to eliminate or drastically reduce them. Do the assessment phase separately, then work together on the change phase.
Each of you must list your poisons and turnoffs. Then list couple poisons and turnoffs. Focus on your turnoffs; do not second-guess your partner’s. Examples of individual poisons include dwelling on angry thoughts, resentment over a sexual incident, inhibition about making sexual requests, avoidance of sexual topics, a secret arousal pattern, obsessive-compulsive reaction to vaginal secretions, irrational fear of pregnancy, making yourself unattractive, feeling controlled by childhood sexual trauma, overscheduling so there is no time for intimacy, making sexual demands or threats, being afraid to try new erotic scenarios and techniques, and feeling that you do not deserve sexual pleasure. Make two columns. In the first column, list the advantages of maintaining this poison. Be honest. You maintain the poison because it protects you from anxiety or fear of failure, it is a way to control or punish your partner, it gives you a sense of power, or it serves to maintain the status quo. Are these in your best interest? In the second column, write how your life and relationship would be better without the poisons. What would you be free to try? Would this facilitate sexual anticipation and desire? You owe it to yourself and to the relationship to challenge and reduce poisons and turnoffs.
What is your role (not your partner's) in maintaining couple poisons? Examples include your role in the pursuer-distancer dance, the intimate coercion process, avoiding couple time, angry arguments, attack-counterattack cycle, using alcohol as a way to avoid intimacy, not making sexual requests yet resenting your spouse’s insensitivity, maintaining an extramarital affair, comparing your spouse with a person you fantasize about, or blaming problems on family of origin. Next to each couple poison, draw two columns. In the first column, list the advantages of maintaining this poison. For example, you maintain the status quo; it is easier to blame your partner than to take personal responsibility; it is a reason to avoid initiating; you desire to maintain emotional and sexual distance; you fear that if the issue is addressed, it will destroy the relationship; you need to maintain secrecy; or you get sympathy from friends and family. Is that what you want? Is that healthy for your relationship? In the second column, list the advantages for you and for the relationship of resolving the sexual problem. What will it take to confront couple poisons? How much time and energy? What attitudes and behaviors need to change? Do you value the benefits of a secure, satisfying relational bond? Be specific and concrete.
Exchange lists as you enter the change phase. It is easy to become defensive and counterattack when reading your partner's material; that is counterproductive. The key to change is approaching sexuality as an intimate team. You trust that your partner is on your side and will help you confront poisons. Sexuality is a team sport; do not turn against your intimate partner. Stay away from the “guilt-blame game.” Your partner is being vulnerable in disclosing turnoffs. Honor that vulnerability; do not turn it against that person. Listen to your partner’s requests of how you can support the change process. Listen to your partner’s requests of how you can support the change process. Overcoming turnoffs and poisons is a one-two combination: (1) each partner takes responsibility for changing his or her attitudes and behavior, and (2) the partners work together to eliminate the poisons and revitalize marital sexuality.
Develop a specific, clear plan to confront and reduce individual and couple poisons. Your partner states how he or she will be supportive. What specifically will you do to promote change? What is your partner committed to stopping so that the process if it is clear, positive, gradual, and you are willing to problem-solve when you encounter difficulties.
Change is a couple task. Sexuality is a shared, intimate process. You cannot force or coerce your partner. This exercise and the follow-up experiences give you practice at being an intimate team. Instead of denying poisons and turnoffs, focus on changing so that these no longer control your relationship and sexuality.
Each of you must list your poisons and turnoffs. Then list couple poisons and turnoffs. Focus on your turnoffs; do not second-guess your partner’s. Examples of individual poisons include dwelling on angry thoughts, resentment over a sexual incident, inhibition about making sexual requests, avoidance of sexual topics, a secret arousal pattern, obsessive-compulsive reaction to vaginal secretions, irrational fear of pregnancy, making yourself unattractive, feeling controlled by childhood sexual trauma, overscheduling so there is no time for intimacy, making sexual demands or threats, being afraid to try new erotic scenarios and techniques, and feeling that you do not deserve sexual pleasure. Make two columns. In the first column, list the advantages of maintaining this poison. Be honest. You maintain the poison because it protects you from anxiety or fear of failure, it is a way to control or punish your partner, it gives you a sense of power, or it serves to maintain the status quo. Are these in your best interest? In the second column, write how your life and relationship would be better without the poisons. What would you be free to try? Would this facilitate sexual anticipation and desire? You owe it to yourself and to the relationship to challenge and reduce poisons and turnoffs.
What is your role (not your partner's) in maintaining couple poisons? Examples include your role in the pursuer-distancer dance, the intimate coercion process, avoiding couple time, angry arguments, attack-counterattack cycle, using alcohol as a way to avoid intimacy, not making sexual requests yet resenting your spouse’s insensitivity, maintaining an extramarital affair, comparing your spouse with a person you fantasize about, or blaming problems on family of origin. Next to each couple poison, draw two columns. In the first column, list the advantages of maintaining this poison. For example, you maintain the status quo; it is easier to blame your partner than to take personal responsibility; it is a reason to avoid initiating; you desire to maintain emotional and sexual distance; you fear that if the issue is addressed, it will destroy the relationship; you need to maintain secrecy; or you get sympathy from friends and family. Is that what you want? Is that healthy for your relationship? In the second column, list the advantages for you and for the relationship of resolving the sexual problem. What will it take to confront couple poisons? How much time and energy? What attitudes and behaviors need to change? Do you value the benefits of a secure, satisfying relational bond? Be specific and concrete.
Exchange lists as you enter the change phase. It is easy to become defensive and counterattack when reading your partner's material; that is counterproductive. The key to change is approaching sexuality as an intimate team. You trust that your partner is on your side and will help you confront poisons. Sexuality is a team sport; do not turn against your intimate partner. Stay away from the “guilt-blame game.” Your partner is being vulnerable in disclosing turnoffs. Honor that vulnerability; do not turn it against that person. Listen to your partner’s requests of how you can support the change process. Listen to your partner’s requests of how you can support the change process. Overcoming turnoffs and poisons is a one-two combination: (1) each partner takes responsibility for changing his or her attitudes and behavior, and (2) the partners work together to eliminate the poisons and revitalize marital sexuality.
Develop a specific, clear plan to confront and reduce individual and couple poisons. Your partner states how he or she will be supportive. What specifically will you do to promote change? What is your partner committed to stopping so that the process if it is clear, positive, gradual, and you are willing to problem-solve when you encounter difficulties.
Change is a couple task. Sexuality is a shared, intimate process. You cannot force or coerce your partner. This exercise and the follow-up experiences give you practice at being an intimate team. Instead of denying poisons and turnoffs, focus on changing so that these no longer control your relationship and sexuality.
| 121 |
| Vote |
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks Gal!
Mis
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
This must be a pretty difficult one. I could imagine that it's actually quite difficult not to be defensive or aggressive when working through your lists as a couple.
Some great advice in here as always!
Kylie
Comment by David
Dwelling on women. – Turn gay.
Resentment over women not dwelling on me as a sexual object. – Turn gay.
Unanswered webcam requests. – Pay for sex.
Wanting to talk about shopping. – Getting a job in retail.
Wanting to discuss credit-card arousal. – Using dollar bills, coins and superglue as sex aids.
Non vaginal secretions. – Cancel the order for flowers and chocolates and send her a tub of margarine. (nicely wrapped with a bow).
Irrational fears of condoms – Breaking into women’s houses at night to rape them wearing a condom on my head instead of a stocking or balaclava.
Being over attractive. – Using proven scientific research methods and trying sex with one of the more uglier animal species first, maybe a hippo or a rhino, then posting the pic as my Blog Tag.
Cancelling dates to get off on childhood sexual trauma. – Inviting a chick over for a candlelit cuddle on the couch, then showing her my parents’ home videos of my childhood.
Scheduling issues. Not being able to fit as many women into my week as I’d like. – Google twins, triplets, and weirdo religous cults. (Or set up my own cult).
Sexual threats scaring women off. – Threaten to kill them if they don’t have sex with me.
Women who don’t like animals, morgues and cemeteries. Join Amnesty International, Greenpeace and become a volunteer Ambulance driver.
Feeling no guilt over my sexual depravity – Stick to corpses.
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
What an incredible article of advice.
...something so basic and fundamental and forgotten.
Brilliant Mis. Just brilliant.
Will this be published or has it been anywhere else?
It should.
much warmth Brilliant woman...
Dusk
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
This is quite difficult for partners! Finger pointing and not taking responsibility often get in the way of a couple's sex life.
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Har Har ...... Guitless depravity.... classic! Glad to see you!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I am honored by your kind words. I am glad that you find this helpful. There is so much misinformation out there. I am putting together these exercises for my next handbook that I am writing. You never know how folks will respond!
Mis
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Great post.
You hooked with the photo of Poison. I used to love Poison. I had a HUGE crush on Bret Michaels. I always thought his voice was sooo sexy.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Glad you liked my Poison teaser! HAHAHA... Bret Michaels was great back in the day...now he is A number 1 skank! (I so agree with you about his voice)
Mis
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
No offence, but this would put me off sex forever... too much intellectualising.. would kill the mood... and I'm either in it, or not in it... that's about that sorted... no complaints so far...mind you I've been married for 16 years too... *chuckle* so we're way past owrrying about the poison, it's all be released by now!
Lilla ...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
HAHAHA no offense taken! Sometimes we just don't want "to hear" it
Mis