Silencing Your Inner Critic
January 19th 2008 04:51
Everyone has an inner critic. It’s that voice that provides running commentary on everything you do.
Take a minute and listen for your inner critic. Right now, as you read this, she might be saying, “You need to lose weight. Why can’t you get your ass away from the computer and work out?” or “Oh no, I can’t find my inner critic! What’s wrong with me?” Bingo.
What to do? Silencing your critic entirely may not be realistic. She is a part of you; as much as you’d love to send her packing or on an extended vacation, your critic is your carry-on baggage in life. So since you’re stuck with her, here are five ways to put her in her place.
Get to know your inner critic. Babies aren’t born with inner critics. Can you imagine? Tiny newborns, running themselves down from the get-go: “Does this diaper make my ass look big?" That baby is so much cuter. What is your problem?”
No, your inner critic is an acquired collection of admonitions mixed with a child’s eagerness to please. Your kindergarten self fervently soaked up the expectations of parents, teachers, and that ever shifting lot of “popular kids.” As you grew, you internalized many of these rules for how to be and developed expectations of your own to add to the mix. This means you can often trace your inner critic and her “issues” back to some of those voices from your childhood.
Our "outer" critics (parents, bosses, partners, etc...) can be unforgiving, especially for smart, high-achieving people. And the areas in which we let ourselves down or where our greatest insecurities lie are what leave us most vulnerable to punishing inner criticism.
Put your inner critic to the test. Left to its own devices, an inner critic can ravage your self-confidence. But if you look closely, you’ll realize she’s probably being far too extreme to be credible.
So put your detractor to the test. Give your critic the floor to make her case while you stand back and evaluate. Write down all the reasons and evidence why you are a loser and a worthless human being, it’s easy to see how distorted that voice can get. Most people quickly conclude that this ‘evidence’ the critic has against them is terribly incomplete—that there are lots of ways in which they are terrific parents or talented professionals that their critic is ignoring. Writing down those examples of times when you act in contrast to your critic gives you proof that she is overreacting.
Drop the either/or mentality. Your critic often tries to hold you to a crazy standard of perfection and an either/or identity: I’m either competent or completely incompetent, a good parent or a lousy parent, a good person or a terrible person. The truth is that you’re usually very competent and occasionally do something astonishingly incompetent. I’m confident this is true of you (even though I hardly know you), because it’s true of everybody—or at least anybody who is honest with herself.
Remember: You’re the boss. Although your critic is an inescapable part of you, she’s not the decision maker. If you can shift your self-image this way, then you’re more than halfway to getting your critic out of the driver’s seat and tossed into the backseat, where she belongs.
Decide for yourself whether to listen to your critic or not, believe it or not, and comply with her advice… or not.
Measure your accomplishments with the right yardstick. Remember that your critic gets ammunition from watching others, so acquaintances can give her the most powerful grenades: “Why can’t you be as confident as she is?” or “Why can’t you woo clients like she does?” My critic has a heyday with a particular peer who I hear good news about practically weekly. “Guess what? She just won a Pulitzer Prize.” In moments like these, it helps to remind yourself that you’re got an inside-outside problem.
Critical Review
This exercise will help you target areas where your inner critic might strike. Complete the following sentence with three adjectives that fit.
“ I know I should be more _________, _________, and _________.”
Your answers could be anything—responsible, hardworking, relaxed, assertive, organized, thorough, sensitive, well-read, prepared, attentive to my family. If in doubt, ask your critic. She knows.
These are probably the theme songs your inner critic plays again and again, exasperated that you can’t seem to get it right. What to do? In part, cut yourself some slack. Everybody’s got something on this list that she struggles with. Second, when your critic pipes up, say to yourself, “Yep, that’s true. Thanks for your input.” And move on to think about what you can do, concretely, that might help. Your lifelong goal is to learn to hum along with the themes—to accept yourself as not as organized/relaxed as you’d like to be and learn to both work on it and laugh about it.
Take a minute and listen for your inner critic. Right now, as you read this, she might be saying, “You need to lose weight. Why can’t you get your ass away from the computer and work out?” or “Oh no, I can’t find my inner critic! What’s wrong with me?” Bingo.
Get to know your inner critic. Babies aren’t born with inner critics. Can you imagine? Tiny newborns, running themselves down from the get-go: “Does this diaper make my ass look big?" That baby is so much cuter. What is your problem?”
No, your inner critic is an acquired collection of admonitions mixed with a child’s eagerness to please. Your kindergarten self fervently soaked up the expectations of parents, teachers, and that ever shifting lot of “popular kids.” As you grew, you internalized many of these rules for how to be and developed expectations of your own to add to the mix. This means you can often trace your inner critic and her “issues” back to some of those voices from your childhood.
Our "outer" critics (parents, bosses, partners, etc...) can be unforgiving, especially for smart, high-achieving people. And the areas in which we let ourselves down or where our greatest insecurities lie are what leave us most vulnerable to punishing inner criticism.
So put your detractor to the test. Give your critic the floor to make her case while you stand back and evaluate. Write down all the reasons and evidence why you are a loser and a worthless human being, it’s easy to see how distorted that voice can get. Most people quickly conclude that this ‘evidence’ the critic has against them is terribly incomplete—that there are lots of ways in which they are terrific parents or talented professionals that their critic is ignoring. Writing down those examples of times when you act in contrast to your critic gives you proof that she is overreacting.
Drop the either/or mentality. Your critic often tries to hold you to a crazy standard of perfection and an either/or identity: I’m either competent or completely incompetent, a good parent or a lousy parent, a good person or a terrible person. The truth is that you’re usually very competent and occasionally do something astonishingly incompetent. I’m confident this is true of you (even though I hardly know you), because it’s true of everybody—or at least anybody who is honest with herself.
Remember: You’re the boss. Although your critic is an inescapable part of you, she’s not the decision maker. If you can shift your self-image this way, then you’re more than halfway to getting your critic out of the driver’s seat and tossed into the backseat, where she belongs.
Decide for yourself whether to listen to your critic or not, believe it or not, and comply with her advice… or not.
Measure your accomplishments with the right yardstick. Remember that your critic gets ammunition from watching others, so acquaintances can give her the most powerful grenades: “Why can’t you be as confident as she is?” or “Why can’t you woo clients like she does?” My critic has a heyday with a particular peer who I hear good news about practically weekly. “Guess what? She just won a Pulitzer Prize.” In moments like these, it helps to remind yourself that you’re got an inside-outside problem.
Critical Review
This exercise will help you target areas where your inner critic might strike. Complete the following sentence with three adjectives that fit.
“ I know I should be more _________, _________, and _________.”
Your answers could be anything—responsible, hardworking, relaxed, assertive, organized, thorough, sensitive, well-read, prepared, attentive to my family. If in doubt, ask your critic. She knows.
These are probably the theme songs your inner critic plays again and again, exasperated that you can’t seem to get it right. What to do? In part, cut yourself some slack. Everybody’s got something on this list that she struggles with. Second, when your critic pipes up, say to yourself, “Yep, that’s true. Thanks for your input.” And move on to think about what you can do, concretely, that might help. Your lifelong goal is to learn to hum along with the themes—to accept yourself as not as organized/relaxed as you’d like to be and learn to both work on it and laugh about it.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Oh, I do feel good, I'm a big girl now, ah, such bliss, now I'm going to enjoy myself, oh no, she's back she's defying all odds, she was dead but she's risen again, oh, no. What do I do now.
Seriously, very constructive post, my good friend, doesn't pay to talk about any serious stuff around here tho does it, better to have huge debates, unopposed with yourself and set yourself up as the all time expert, naughty naughty me, I know, I sure gave my inner critic a sound belting, she's not getting away with much at the moment, but I'm trying to.
No,oh, no, not the straight jacket, I thought those things had been banned.
Now, what excuse can I offer for my behaviour? don't worry , I'll think of something and get back to you, after reading everyone else's comments.
Good work Mis, shame about the odd crackpot reader who leaves provocative comments, now who could that be?
katyzzz....oh, no, certainly not me.
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I feel like I should pay you for this one. Its like I was sitting on that couch and you were speaking right to me!
I do take your advice though. I rationalize, I focus on making it better. She just never shuts up. And shes got so many bloody friends.
Do you have any tips for anxiety?
Do you remember your confidence post? Fake it till you make it? Thats me ALL the time!
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
My inner critic and I have long conversations daily.
And even though I can beat her into submission I have realised that she does serve a purpose. I can't completely tuck her away. I have to let her out, hear what she has to say because more often than not, she also motivates me. She motivates me to prove her wrong.
But I do have to keep her on a leash because if I let her run rampant, she just might well destroy me.
Fantastic post.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
What a great post - you have such agood advice all the time, pity you weren`t a Therapist
I remember doing a study course where we learned about our RAS (Reticular Activating System). All the time we feed this little beast within ourselves and it gets fatter and fatter on all that juicy nonsense we shove down its throat, starting to believe it all.
We programme ourselves to think we are worse than we are. I`m the first one to raise my hand in that class. It`s easier to sit back and believe what we (and others) tell us than it is to prove ourselves (and others) wrong. I think as writers and creative people we tend to be even harsher on ourselves than most too.
Thank you for sharing this and instilling in us the need to break that cycle and STAND OUT THERE SISTAH!
your words always fall on very open ears
Ash
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
who leaves provocative comments, now who could that be?
I would expect nothing less from you friend! I am glad to hear that you ar eating self doubt into submission!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I feel like I should pay you for this one. Its like I was sitting on that couch and you were speaking right to me!
No friend, you honor me by reading my post!
She just never shuts up. And shes got so many bloody friends.
HAHAHA! Ain't that the truth. so many inner/outer voices with negaitive things to say...
Do you have any tips for anxiety?
Working on posts about anxiety as we speak!
Do you remember your confidence post? Fake it till you make it? Thats me ALL the time
Me too! Takes one to know one!
Thanks for dropping by!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Good morning (or evening in your neck of the woods)
Thanks for your kind words! They are appreciated.
And even though I can beat her into submission I have realised that she does serve a purpose. I can't completely tuck her away. I have to let her out, hear what she has to say because more often than not, she also motivates me. She motivates me to prove her wrong.
Very well said and very wise..... sometimes negativity serves a valuable service. It keeps us real and present.
But I do have to keep her on a leash because if I let her run rampant, she just might well destroy me.
HAHAHAHA! Can I use that?
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Hiya! Thanks so much for the kind words. I appreciate them so much.
Thanks for the RAS reminder. Very interesting indeed!
I think as writers and creative people we tend to be even harsher on ourselves than most too.
I would agree! Our angst is fodder for our "art!"
your words always fall on very open ears
I am honored that you think so! I am glad the information is helpful!
Mis
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I go through stages where my IC is under control (with a lot of effort) and then other stages (struggling at the moment) where what she says feels pretty much true.
At these times, no matter how I challenge and negate the voice, it comes back with a reason to disprove what I say. Sometimes even stronger!
My IC sits on my shoulder looking in and constantly commenting. All that I do and say is not enough. Unfortunately as this person was real and the behaviour real, it can take a lot of work not to let the words seep in and become a fact. The advantage of her being visualised is that I often imagine myself physically flicking her away across the room so that she can’t be involved.
I work hard to keep mine under control, as you said, sometimes listening to those helpful bits and generally not listening to the scorn and ridicule. The trick is deciding which is which...sometimes laughter works so do expletives.
I need to do this more, good advice:
Decide for yourself whether to listen to your critic or not, believe it or not, and comply with her advice… or not.
Thanks, Mis. I learnt a lot from your words and everyone’s comments,
Tracy
PS Any info on anxiety would be great too
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Our inner critic can help keep us grounded. Well it does for me. Stops us from believing our own talk about how good we are.
Obviously you need to counter the inner critic with a little self love but it is a delicate balance. Leaning too much to either side is not good.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I appreciate your kind words so much. I will definitely get a post ready on anxiety!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Amen Sista!