The Rules of Considerate Conduct: Speaking Kindly
October 12th 2007 03:15
Speaking with consideration and kindness is at the heart of civil behavior. To speak kindly you need to be aware constantly that you are speaking to living, breathing, vulnerable human beings. Don’t discount the power of your words. Speak at an unhurried pace so that you are easily understood, try to make your point as clearly as possible, and avoid going off on a tangent. Stop when you have made your point so that others can speak in turn. Being articulate, however, is not tantamount to being glib, pretentious, or overbearing. Speaking kindly should never turn into a narcissistic performance. Keep the volume of your voice moderate at all times, no matter where you are, no matter with whom you are speaking. A loud voice can easily annoy; it can also sound intimidating and even threatening. Civil conversation has no place for profanities. Many find it unsettling to be exposed to them. Certain profanities do offend – and sometimes painfully so – religious sensibilities. Never embarrass or mortify. Respect for others requires that you don’t make them the targets of sarcastic remarks, you don’t belittle them or their accomplishments, and you don’t’ laugh at them. Always think before speaking. That your words are kind rather than unkind and that they will be perceived as such should be one of your paramount concerns.
Don’t Speak Ill. What makes us speak ill of others?
*When we are unsure of our own worth we project upon others the less-than-flattering image we have of ourselves.
*Finding in others faults we don’t think we have makes us feel good.
*When we are in competition with others, sometimes we can’t help believing that we will shine by contrast if we make them look bad.
*It is less demanding and less painful to point out other people’s problems – real or imaginary – than to try to solve our own.
*By disparaging those who wronged us we exact our revenge.
*By showing that we are privy to an unflattering secret about someone we seek to raise our standing in our group. At the same time, we may feel empowered because what we say can cause considerable damage.
*By putting down someone who is not present, we seek to establish a complicity of sorts with someone who is. We take comfort, that is, in the assumption that we who are present are good and the absent are bad. This gives us the impression that we are strengthening our connection with those around us.
Why shouldn’t we speak ill of others?
*When we speak of others in a derogatory manner we hurt them. We always hurt their reputation, and we can also hurt their feelings should our words reach them.
*Our disparaging remarks against X can be taken by some as an authorization to unleash abuse against X.
*It is cowardly to attack those who are not present. They cannot defend themselves and the attacker can get away with misrepresentations, exaggerations, and outright lies.
*Our speaking unkindly of others may be severely judged by those who are listening to us. When we threaten someone else’s reputation we put our own at risk as well.
*As we speak ill of others we can make those who are listening to us uncomfortable or even angry. One doesn’t have to be the target of unkind words to be offended and hurt by them.
*Our disparaging words against X can prompt X to retaliate, and not only verbally. The possibility of things spiraling out of control is always present. We know for a fact that many acts of violence have their origin in acts of incivility.
What are we to do when someone speaks ill of others in our presence?
Depending on the situation, we can:
*Leave.
*Remain silent (especially if the disparaging is short-lived and mind in nature).
*Say something positive about the absent victim and/or change the subject.
*Openly communicate to the attacker that we are ill at ease and unwilling to play the game: “You know, I am really not comfortable discussing this”; “I would prefer not to speculate about the details of his personal life”; “It doesn’t seem fair to make these allegations in her absence, does it?”
Thanks for the pic Ann
Don’t Speak Ill. What makes us speak ill of others?
*When we are unsure of our own worth we project upon others the less-than-flattering image we have of ourselves.
*Finding in others faults we don’t think we have makes us feel good.
*When we are in competition with others, sometimes we can’t help believing that we will shine by contrast if we make them look bad.
*It is less demanding and less painful to point out other people’s problems – real or imaginary – than to try to solve our own.
*By disparaging those who wronged us we exact our revenge.
*By showing that we are privy to an unflattering secret about someone we seek to raise our standing in our group. At the same time, we may feel empowered because what we say can cause considerable damage.
*By putting down someone who is not present, we seek to establish a complicity of sorts with someone who is. We take comfort, that is, in the assumption that we who are present are good and the absent are bad. This gives us the impression that we are strengthening our connection with those around us.
Why shouldn’t we speak ill of others?
*When we speak of others in a derogatory manner we hurt them. We always hurt their reputation, and we can also hurt their feelings should our words reach them.
*Our disparaging remarks against X can be taken by some as an authorization to unleash abuse against X.
*It is cowardly to attack those who are not present. They cannot defend themselves and the attacker can get away with misrepresentations, exaggerations, and outright lies.
*Our speaking unkindly of others may be severely judged by those who are listening to us. When we threaten someone else’s reputation we put our own at risk as well.
*As we speak ill of others we can make those who are listening to us uncomfortable or even angry. One doesn’t have to be the target of unkind words to be offended and hurt by them.
*Our disparaging words against X can prompt X to retaliate, and not only verbally. The possibility of things spiraling out of control is always present. We know for a fact that many acts of violence have their origin in acts of incivility.
What are we to do when someone speaks ill of others in our presence?
Depending on the situation, we can:
*Leave.
*Remain silent (especially if the disparaging is short-lived and mind in nature).
*Say something positive about the absent victim and/or change the subject.
*Openly communicate to the attacker that we are ill at ease and unwilling to play the game: “You know, I am really not comfortable discussing this”; “I would prefer not to speculate about the details of his personal life”; “It doesn’t seem fair to make these allegations in her absence, does it?”
Thanks for the pic Ann
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks so much for the kind words.
Mis
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I've got a bit of a situation here. There's a mum I know that sometimes rubs people the wrong way. When we all go out to the pub, she tends to drink, not blind drunk, but enough to take the edge off, but then she tends to get loud and try to get attention.
Also, this particular mum always plays the game of one upmanship. Especially when it comes to who has the tougher time at home etc etc. And I have to admit, that sometimes she has rubbed me the wrong way. I just walk away but that hardly helps the overall situation.
I've spoken to this mum, not about how people see her, but asking specific questions so I could work out the root of her behaviour. And basically she misses her family (they live in England) and I think that as a stay-at-home mum she's just lost her way a little bit. Which is understandable.
But I think if I tell her that she sometimes rubs people the wrong way she'll fall apart. I don't think she's very strong right now. And I really think she has no idea. Or if she does, she hides it very well.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I wanted to really think about my answer before I rendered an opinion.
My way of dealing with this kind of situation was to walk away and ignore it. If someone were unkind to another in my presence I'd be quiet. If someone decided to talk to me about others, I would also keep quiet, extricating myself from the conversation as soon as possible. My younger self avoided any kind of confrontation. My older self is better at dealing with things, but still doesn't like to jump into the thick of unpleasant things.
Then I learned the lesson of tacit agreement the hard way. I learned it when someone started a sentence with, "Miswanderlust and I were talking the other day and we thought..." On the day in question Miswanderlust spoke very little and certainly didn't think the things that followed. It was after clearing up the misunderstanding with the third person involved in this story that I learned this valuable lesson: Silence isn't always golden. Sometimes you have to let it be known that you don't agree in order to make sure others don't assume that you do.
We all want people to like us, so oftemes we don't want to cause waves or, worse, get yelled at. Then, I happened to be reading an article on the subject of communication that suggested we ask ourselves three questions about a comment we're going to make before we go ahead and make it. The three questions were:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
The objective of asking these questions is to be able to answer at least two of them with a "Yes". If you can't then you should probably keep the words to yourself. Now obviously people can't evaluate every sentence they utter in this way before speaking. We'd end up seriously behind in our conversations (much like the experience of serious lag in an online chat - not fun!)
However, the three questions stayed on my mind after reading them. One night when working late, I made use of the enlarging feature on the company photocopier. The next day people arrived at work to find the following message plastered in huge letters to the coffee room wall:
"Think Before You Speak! Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?"
The coffee room was a-buzz. I would walk through on my way to the ladies room and hear the whispered "who, when, why, what does it mean" questions. I confess that I even whispered a few of them myself. I noticed that the people who were most guilty of behind-the-back talk started glancing at others suspiciously and hesitating before they spoke.
The people who couldn't seem to keep from making nasty comments suddenly were able to do so. No one tore the sheets off the wall. I had expected someone in upper management to consider these crudely crafted signs inappropriate office decor, but obviously no one did.
Something unexpected happened as well. After the initial response to the signs, when some people had long forgotten their presence, others would use these signs like a weapon in their battle against conversational injustice. They were used in a joking way. An unkind comment would be greeted with a chorus of, "That's not kind! Do you know that's true? Did you really need to say it?"
The coffee room became a pleasant place. It was often filled with laughter and pleasant banter, people completing magazine questionnaires together or sharing little aspects of their lives. The pages on the walls were a bit battered and starting to yellow by the time I left that job, and for all I know they still hang there twenty years later. I never did reveal where they came from, though I suspect the friend who helped me learn the lesson of implied agreement might have guessed.
I learned firsthand the power of the written word, reaffirming the fact that I must be a writer who learns to use this power well.
I hope this helped. Though provoking comment! Thanks for stopping by
Mis
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
You end up using it to your advantage. I think it was better when I spoke too loud and offended everybody. Now I come off as one person....And come out roaring as another when under stress, and shock the pants off everyone!
Your posts are brilliant Mis. I wish I had time to read them all....
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Digest away while having wonderful face time with your little one!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Do you know the biggest problem with knowing all of this?
You end up using it to your advantage
Hmmm
Never thought of that....will digest it :0)
Thanks so much for the kind words. I appreciate it so much.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I am by nature a considerate person, but I can't say I always speak kindly of people, especially the ones that annoy me... *chuckle* But, /seriously/ I do find that (as I said on the other post), when I speak kindly, I feel better and it helps me suspend judgement... that I think is important, because we all change over time and we are all 'works in progress.'
I have to agree with Kleo too, she raises a very valid point and then you are at risk of being insincere...
Lilla ...
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
You are so right....there is a fine line between genuine praise and sincerity. It's so good to see you!
Mis