Ways to Avoid Power Struggles with Your Child
July 11th 2007 08:30
It takes two to create a power struggle. I have never seen a power-drunk child without a power-drunk adult real close by. Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. HOW? The following suggestions teach children important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills—instead of “approval junkie” compliance or rebellion. They create a win/win environment.
1. Decide what you will do. I will read a story after teeth are brushed. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seatbelts are buckled. I will pull over to the side of the road when children are fighting.
2. Follow though. The key to this one and all of the following is KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME. Pull over to the side of the road, or leave the room, without saying a word.
3. Positive Time Out. Create a “nurturing” (not punitive) time-out area with your child. Then ask “would it help to go to your time-out area?” Using this idea yourself is a good model.
4. Distraction for young children and lots of supervision. Punishment decreases brain development. Children are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do—explore. Tell children what they CAN do instead of what they CAN NOT do.
5. Get children involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, bedtime). Use pictures to make a routine chart. Then the routine chart becomes the boss.
6. Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don’t set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to toys that aren’t picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what your child has to say.
7. Use ten words or less. One is best: Toys. Towels. Homework. Avoid, however, the lectures that usually surround the words.
9. Get children involved in cooperation. Say “I can’t make you, but I really need your help.”
10. No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust—then do something else.
11. Nonverbal signals. These should be planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first or that things need to be picked up in the common areas of the house.
12. Use reflective listening. Stop talking and listen. Try to understand not only what your child is saying but what your child means.
13. Limited choice. Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner?
14. Make a “Wheel of Choice” together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite the child to pick something from the wheel.
15. Create a game. “Beat the Clock” or sing songs while getting tasks done.
16. Do it WITH them. You may even want to go to the positive time-out area with them.
17. Use your sense of humor. Sarcasm and humor are not the same. Sarcasm is based in anger.
1. Decide what you will do. I will read a story after teeth are brushed. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seatbelts are buckled. I will pull over to the side of the road when children are fighting.
2. Follow though. The key to this one and all of the following is KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME. Pull over to the side of the road, or leave the room, without saying a word.
3. Positive Time Out. Create a “nurturing” (not punitive) time-out area with your child. Then ask “would it help to go to your time-out area?” Using this idea yourself is a good model.
4. Distraction for young children and lots of supervision. Punishment decreases brain development. Children are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do—explore. Tell children what they CAN do instead of what they CAN NOT do.
5. Get children involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, bedtime). Use pictures to make a routine chart. Then the routine chart becomes the boss.
6. Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don’t set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to toys that aren’t picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what your child has to say.
7. Use ten words or less. One is best: Toys. Towels. Homework. Avoid, however, the lectures that usually surround the words.
9. Get children involved in cooperation. Say “I can’t make you, but I really need your help.”
10. No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust—then do something else.
11. Nonverbal signals. These should be planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first or that things need to be picked up in the common areas of the house.
12. Use reflective listening. Stop talking and listen. Try to understand not only what your child is saying but what your child means.
13. Limited choice. Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner?
14. Make a “Wheel of Choice” together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite the child to pick something from the wheel.
15. Create a game. “Beat the Clock” or sing songs while getting tasks done.
16. Do it WITH them. You may even want to go to the positive time-out area with them.
17. Use your sense of humor. Sarcasm and humor are not the same. Sarcasm is based in anger.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
I try to create an atmosphere of caring and sharing and doing whatever is required without too much fuss { let's forget I had a bad temper - which developed after I was married and had children - husband was frustrating - but that's another story}
I think it is all too easy to lapse into negative behaviour and I think too much instruction does just that although your list sounds great.
There's an expression, "Our children may not always do as we say, but they always learn to do as we do." Good point.
Don't be too hard on yourself as a parent, be prepared to get it wrong more often than you'd like.
Do keep the communication channels open, this was a big fault of mine, too much stress, and it's easy to be wise after the event.
Good luck.
katyzzz
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Great post. You've given me an idea for a post. Can I reference this post and put up a link?
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Thanks so much for your insight. Good to see you!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Wow I am honored! Use this post anyway you want friend!
Mis
Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
great list...lots of good inormation here, things parents really need to know...
Picture was a little scary though LOL
Take care,
Nick
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
This is a great post. I'm not a parent (can barely look after my cat!!). But I really like the positive spin in the list. Especially the telling kids what they 'can' do. Usually the parent/child interactions I see are filled with parents giving long lists of what the kids can't do.
Kylie
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Picture was a little scary though LOL
HAHAHA
Thanks so much for the compliment!
Mis
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
I kill plants so it is a wonder that my son made it to 21 years! Thanks for your kind words!
Mis